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How do you handle the loneliness?
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: 1 day ago | Replies (25)Comment receiving replies
This group is saving my sanity. I have two things to say here. First, my husband is in the fairly early stage of Alzheimer's and refuses to admit it. We need to discuss how we're going to plan for the future, consider housing, finances, and long-term care when it becomes necessary. Every time I try to talk to him about any of this, he says he'll just find another place to live and accuses me of throwing him out. He's too aware of things for me to just forge ahead on my own but won't meet me halfway to discuss anything. How do I handle this? Second, I feel so sorry for my husband and understand that this is very difficult for him. He's always prided himself on his intelligence. Losing mental capacity is just about the worst nightmare situation for him. Our marriage isn't the same as it was. We're both in our seventies (I'm within spitting distance of 80; he's 76) and got married when he was 55, he for the first time, me for the third. Of course, neither of us expected anything like this to happen, but here it is and I'm determined to do the best I can for him for as long as I can. He apparently doesn't understand that this is hard for me too. Maybe he's incapable of understanding but if you were to talk to him you'd realize that in many ways he's totally with it. I feel isolated and lonely. I love email and am in contact with several friends and that helps a lot. I'm also reconnected with an old college boyfriend and we email frequently. We haven't seen each other in 60 years, but we enjoy this renewed friendship and the conversation the internet makes possible. I wouldn't want my husband to know how much I've come to depend on my friend's support, but without it I know I'd be much worse off. It's very difficult when the person you can be open and honest with is no longer your own husband. I want to protect and care for my husband. I love him. But without friendship I'd be lost. I don't know if this in any way answers tooyoungforthis's question, but I do understand how hard this is, especially as you have no idea how long it's going to last. My 40-something grandniece has brain cancer, a husband, and two young boys. My heart goes out to everyone who is struggling. It's important, I believe, to have somewhere you can feel safe telling your whole truth. This is that place.
Replies to "This group is saving my sanity. I have two things to say here. First, my husband..."
We had a senor marriage 13 years ago - I'm 77 and he is 74. He has dementia, is an insulin-dependent diabetic, is blind in one eye with 20% vision in the other and has Congestive Heart Disease (he just got out of the hospital yesterday).
Apathy (not interested in the stuff he used to do) is increasing, and paranoia - he has, out of the blue, accused me of trying to kick him out. When he asks me something, and I explain it to him, he accuses me of making stuff up or lying. We had just bought a hospital bed and converted a bedroom for the future when he needs more care. He also prided himself on his intellect - he was a social worker in the past - but he is losing it. He is more confused at times. I guess the whole thing is part and parcel of the entire thing. My friends keep in contact, so I am not isolated. I, too, have mobility and lung issues. I do not go anywhere without him. He goes to bed at 10 PM he is up at 8:30, and I go to bed at 1-2 AM and up at 10ish to have some quiet time without him. He is a talker and expects me to be at his beck and call all day. Sometimes, I want to stay in bed, cover up, and sleep all day.
I had the same conversation with my husband when I started talking to him about someday going to assisted living. He said I was treating him like a piece of **** and dumping him on the garbage heap. I keep trying to tell myself it's his illness speaking and not him, but it's hard. I understand the loneliness.
Please don't let guilt from this renewed friendship cause you to end it. To be able to get support is a very valuable thing, especially from a friend who is removed from the situation and can offer a fresh perspective.
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Hi Pamela, It sounds like you are doing the best you can to keep your sanity. Too many times people make the mistake of giving up their whole lives for another. I am not saying do not be loyal. But, one must take care of themselves in order to be strong enough to help others. Thank goodness for your friends as they are life savers. My heart goes out to you. Sending you good energy and support.