Hello, this is my first time posting, in a effort to gain some insight, as i'm suffering. I'm a father of 2 great boys and same common law spouse for 20years. I've been on anti depressant medication since my teens (i'm 42 now)for ocd/anxiety (pure O) first, anafranil,(and some benzo's) then zoloft, then celexa, then cipralex(didn't work), then effexor, which kindof half works.. finally in 2015,I had some elevated stress due to home renovations, and after they were finished i decided to see if i could fly on my own. I got very tired of the up's and downs by switching meds and the depersolization /derealization, which is scary on it's own!... I decided i would do whatever it takes to heal myself and not mask my symptoms anymore with a drug. (yes, that's what they do).. anyways, i got my hormones checked, i was very low in T, so now i do injections which i find is a piece of the puzzle and helps alot with concentration/focus. So for the past year, my focus has been on hormones/overall health, fitness, diet and i want to restart my mindfulness practice. I'm at a point now where i'm on a subclinical dose of effexor XR of 37.5. i did the drop from 75 to 37.5 a few months back(which i now know was too much), and got extremely angry and agitated. but it passed, and all was "ok" for the holidays.. then 2020 Jan 1st rolls around and ouch. i now deal with anxiety from the time i wake up sometimes, till i go to bed. with my ocd themes coming back, not to mention some new ones. i'm shaking all the time, and basically unable to function. it's quite terrifying. the anxiety and ocd is so intense at times, that it i roll up into a little ball and just "suffer".

My question is, i know OCD is it's own beast and i'm aware and doing ERP and therapy i have a psych etc. but..

is it possible to live without effexor or an anti depressant after having been on it for so long? especially when you have OCD?

is my current suffering still due to my taper from 75 to 37.5 2-3 months ago?

My battle here is that much more scary because i don't know if there's a light at the end of the tunnel or if i will need to go back on another antidepressant.. ie: if it's worth it at all (back to my original goal of being able to make it without the AD's) ... also, if i have to go back i'm afraid perhaps the anti depressants will not work anymore because i've been on them for so long and built up a tolerance..

i feel like i'm missing out on my kids (youth) etc.. and other things.. also, the wife has her own issues.. not only in suporting me, but the kids can be very challenging. and dealing with them when you are a ball of anxiety yourself is very challenging. bottom line, it's affecting every aspect of my life and the climate at home has changed because of it..I can't support my spouse when SHE needs it.... very hard when anxiety won't let up at all.. she's' been carrying the family for some time now and it's starting to take it's toll. sorry, that last part is a little rant.

thanks for reading