I can completely relate to everything you are saying. On my quest to do the same I decided to taper off effexor as I'd been on it for over 20 years. Unfortunately I went too fast, suffered for six months, reinstated, and am still not myself. I'm back up to 150 mg and got put on buspar as well. I am not myself. Ironic that on my desire to become the real me, I'm now further from that goal than ever. I just try to hold hope that it's all in gods plan. Praying for you on your journey.