@denise96 Oh my goodness 😱What a totally dreadful situation. I feel sorry for your husband’s terminal illness and pain, but even sorrier for what you’re going through. It’s truly amazing how good you are to your husband, despite everything. You don’t say what he used to be like as that might be what’s helping you to put up with all this unbearable abuse.

My mother died from small cell lung cancer nearly 20 years ago and what a totally different experience we had. I cannot begin to imagine how my sister and I would have coped (my brother took off on Mum’s diagnosis and didn’t cope) but at least we did have each other and my father to support each other.

Mum like your husband wanted to stay at home and was fortunate her wish came true to pass in her own bed.

Mum was also very mindful of our feelings and we had to convince her she wasn’t a burden and that it was an honour to look after her. We also had to persuade her to take her pain meds as she didn’t want to take them. She chose to bear a certain amount of pain. She had always been incredibly stoic with any health issues (not many over the years but included sporadic back pain from a horse riding accident, tick fever, a hysterectomy, a broken arm and flu) and would soldier on.

I wonder what causes such a big difference in similar circumstances.

Presumably your husband would refuse to see a therapist to help his mental state? Being high might submerge the pain, but it doesn’t deal with the fear and anger.

I wonder whether cbd gummies would help if legal where you live? Unfortunately there were no such thing when my mother was dying.

I am currently in remission from stage 4 appendix cancer after extensive treatment. Mum was my inspiration during treatment.

I also hope and pray I’m more like my mother when the cancer comes back (it’s not curable) and when treatment stops working and I get a terminal diagnosis.

Given everything - including his addiction and abusive behaviour - I can’t help wondering whether the kindest thing for everyone is to put him into hospice 🥺💔🙏

Sending you both hugs and prayers 🙏❤️‍🩹