Connect
← Return to Convincing someone with dementia they need to move to assisted living
Discussion
Convincing someone with dementia they need to move to assisted living
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: Feb 13 9:07am | Replies (22)Comment receiving replies
I feel exactly you in your last paragraph. I'm scared to become her guardian. She's already mad and screams at me over the phone (I live 2 hours from her) all the time. She is suspicious and has a lot of anger. I do realize that all of that is due to her dementia. I try and compartmentalize but that isn't easy either. She's an only child as am I. She has very little family and certainly no one who would step up and help her outside of me. Her small WV town doesn't have a lot of resources. I've asked for help from the police, adult protective services, the senior center, the neurologist and her PC. Very little help has been given.
The other thing with my mom is she tends to remember some stuff when it revolves around her being angry about something. I did take one of her three dogs because it looked skinny (the other two don't...yet). She has not forgotten that and tells anyone who will listen that I stole her dog. She also was able to hire a company to change her locks, which is shocking to me, so that I won't steal the other two.
Replies to "I feel exactly you in your last paragraph. I'm scared to become her guardian. She's already..."
You are facing a tough situation, especially trying to do it on your own and with an angry Mom. You definitely need the help of an elder law attorney before you finalize anything.
Here are some issues to consider in moving your Mom to a facility -
Can she self-pay or will you rely on Medicaid? Medicare does not pay for these facilities.
Does she own her home, and how much equity does she have? To get Medicaid she will need to sell it and use the proceeds, minus about $3000 and a pre-paid funeral for her support.
If she rents, what assets does she have? Again, she must use them for her care, not give them away.
Have you identified a facility that will accept her? Near her home or yours? It is important to be able to visit often (and unscheduled) to monitor her care, so closer is better unless it means moving her to a different state, which can have its own challenges like changing doctors and Medicare supplements among other things.
Consider also that assisted living facilities often will not take, or will evict, residents who are physically or verbally aggressive or disruptive, even in memory care.
Here is a different idea - Is there any possibility that you can hire someone for a few hours a day to go to her home, make sure she is eating, taking her meds and bathing regularly as well cleaning her house (even if not up to your standards) and making sure the pets are fed?
Finally, West Virginia is a state of "filial responsibility " -if your Mom can't pay, and the state determines that you can, you can be billed for all or part of the cost of her care.
I wish you patience as you work through this. It was hard enough for me with a cooperative Mom and the help of siblings.
Hugs!
You might check to see if her state has a program of financial assistance to those who need and qualify for Assisted Living, as well as Memory Care, which is a division under Assisted Living. It’s state run and not Medicaid. Medicaid covers financial assistance for nursing home care, but not assisted living. In NC, the state program is called Special Assistance. The income and asset requirements are similar to that of Medicaid. Each state program may be different. A social worker or admissions director at an assisted living facility would be able to provide more info, as well as an elder law attorney. Owning a home doesn’t normally disqualify you.
Connect
If you are hesitant to become her guardian, you might inquire if the court can appoint the county to be the guardian. That way social workers are responsible. They have multiple people to share the load. Being guardian can be very stressful with a resistant senior. Good luck with everything. An experienced elder law attorney should be able to assist you if you go the court route.