Grief and loss of your spouse is so painful. I am sorry for your loss & not only do we grieve the loss of our best friend and soulmate, we grieve the lost of our future together. I have recently retired and grieve the loss of our fun plans in growing old together. Immediately following my husbands death, I joined a GriefShare program at a local church which was tremendously helpful. I sat on the back row of the monthly meeting initially & quietly sobbed as I listened to others & found comfort in knowing I was not alone. I gradually found my voice & shared my story & feelings with the group. I encourage you to not isolate but push yourself to find a grief support group or counselor. You do not have to participate unless you want, they understand. I also read every Christian book I could find on grief recovery and the constant reminder that my husband was in Heaven & we would be together again helped. I will pray for you & all who are hurting due to the loss of a loved one. God Bless you . You are not alone.