How to cope with my 54-year-old daughter getting Stage 3 breast cancer

My heart goes out to you. Nothing as painful than seeing one’s child ill or suffering. You will have to put your trust in the medical care your daughter will receive and into your faith if you have that connection. I have stage 4 with bone metastasis in nearly every bone in my body. It hasn’t progressed since my diagnosis 2 1/2 years ago. I also have mets in the liver and they have ‘significantly reduced’ since being treated. All treatments are taxing and it is a new kind of living but your daughters stage 3 is not classified terminal as I understand. So it would be considered treatable instead. That’s us humans, not infallible. Our bodies go wrong sometimes but try to put your faith into all working out well for your daughter. Just concentrate one pointedly in believing that. Such a steady belief could be of great support to your daughter. She’ll see then that you are alright and she doesn’t have to worry about you. And you’ll help her believe that she will be fine

Why do you feel you need to be strong? I mean , is your daughter, this is not an easy situation. I have something I like to share with you. Mi father died 5 years ago with a quite advance Alzheimer’s. He never showed vulnerable in front of us , in our home we never talked about our feelings about what was happening and I think I safe all those feelings … I never shared with anyone how devastated I was. I was diagnosed with stage 1 BC last year and I’m talking with my therapist because all those feelings are coming to the surface now. I take the courage and talk with my mother last week about this … I cried like a baby and felt so relieved. Now I begin to stitch up that old wound that was still open. It never went away. So , what I’m trying to say is , I’m not hiding my feelings anymore and that’s the way I’m rewriting my story in the present . I wish my dad had allowed himself to be vulnerable.

I'm glad your daughter is so close, and that you are there to support her. Just this extended family living situation alone is going to make everything much better for her, no matter what is happening. And I think better for you too, because you'll always be able to reach out and help.
As the mom of a grown daughter I can say that her suffering is my worst fear, my weak spot, my worry. She is partially disabled from a car wreck where she was hit, as a passenger, by a drunk driver. I do focus on reminding myself that she is a very competent adult with a wonderful family. She lives near-by, and we actually work together professionally. It has take much thought--and therapy too--for me to detach from my worries about her. I hope therapy will let you focus on taking care of yourself, too. And I really hope that things go well medically. I'll be thinking of you, and check in when you feel like it. Is there anything right now that helps you--taking a walk, funny movie, that kind of thing?

@judychurch, This is understandably a difficult time for all of you. I don't have children of my own, but I do have a mother, I'm 54, and I have metastatic lung cancer and stage 1B breast cancer. We are all different, and what we want from others around us is different too. I'll share my perspective, which may or may not match your daughter's. During the early days after diagnosis, we are going to appointments, following the plan, and doing what we're told. Our heads are spinning with a new language of cancer terminology, and we may be emotionally numb. Try to focus on that next step, the next appointment, try not to get too far ahead of yourselves, and try to not jump to conclusions about treatments until you have a doctor explain the options. Our minds like to jump to the worst-case scenario, but that's never helpful, and often not applicable.
You mention being strong for her. This can be a tough balance. She'll need you to sit and listen when she's ready to talk. She also may benefit from seeing your vulnerability. My family is a stoic group (me included). The first time I saw my mom and sister after I was diagnosed (during covid lockdowns, so it was months later), I was the only one that showed emotion. They tried to be encouraging, but I felt like no one understood the gravity of the situation because they only had positive things to say. I know now that they were trying to make me feel better, but at the time, we can feel like no one understands and that can make it easy to shut down and stop sharing too. Be sure to listen and empathize with what she's going through. Ask her what she needs from you; just someone to listen or someone to try to problem solve.
Treatments for cancer today, even metastatic cancer, are vastly improved over what they used to be. There is a lot of hope in the breast cancer realm. Don't be discouraged. It won't be easy, but treatments today are very effective. Please keep us posted.

Thank you Resina for your kind and thoughtful words. You have certainly given me hope! Her surgeon told her to find her joy and concentrate on that. Her joy is her horse and barn family, so she is riding every day. We have great faith in our doctors. I had a single mastectomy ten years ago, so I immediately contacted his office. He saw her the next day and put us in contact with an excellent oncologist. He jumped on it right away, which was such a blessing. We're still in what feels like a whirlwind at this point, so much information coming our way. Thanks again!

Hi angiemal,
I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist for tomorrow. My daughter and I talk about it quite a bit (I go to all of her appointments with her) but I just need a good, long cry.

Hi Miriam, thanks for responding. My dogs give me great joy and laughs (terriers), I love going to the barn with my daughter to watch her ride, and I have several good friends who have also been through the curse that is breast cancer. I feel blessed with their support. I just need a good, long cry at the therapist's office!

Oh Lisa, our heads are spinning too! I told my daughter that we really need to record the visits to the doctors' offices so that we can try to make some sense of them afterwards! We are doing everything we can to distract our negative thoughts (she rides, I watch trash tv, we go shopping together, and play with the dogs. Her surgeon told her to do what brings her joy - he is a gem. And you are so right that our minds jump to the worst-case scenarios. We're finding it to be rather like a roller coaster. I've been going to every appointment with her and we talk about it a lot afterwards. This is bringing us even closer together. She is my dear, sweet girl.

All of this sounds helpful!

@judychurch, It sounds like you have a great relationship. She's lucky to have you in her life! Just keep doing what you're doing, loving her and spending time with her. 🙂