When i lost my best friend in Oct i was just devastated...even though we knew it was coming and he did his best to prepare me it still threw me for a loop...(pancreatic cancer).. he wanted me to live...he told me so repeatedly, be kept saying "Look i prayed for this, God answered my prayer, he is taking me instead of you and letting you live, so live"...it took a while i'll be honest (and still have to keep reminding myself sometimes)...i couldn't go to his place without breaking down etc...he was caretaking for our family land (long story) and i couldn't even go to the cabins after we buried his ashes there as he requested...right before Christmas we moved another person in there and i'll be honest, it has helped a lot...i didn't know if it would or not but it did more for me than anything because when i go there i see her finishing his dreams of what the place could be (well when she can lol, she's been snowed under 18" of snow for past 3 weeks) but its good to know that she will get chickens again and will finish projects he started and so forth.. do i still grieve? yep sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks, especially lately as we've been doing a massive declutter here because of all of his stuff, all my brother's stuff i still have, all my dad's stuff i still have etc...(they passed away in 2019 and 2021) not to mention my own, but my own journey with cancer has shown me i NEED to get rid of it...so i think that is helping me personally...i'm not getting rid of him, i'm doing what he asked in selling his things to use the money to take care of his cats, just like he asked... sometimes i'll listen to his playlist on youtube, or i'll go and rewatch bits and pieces of the memorial service on youtube (user name bhale7904 if anyone is interested in watching it) listening to stories that others told about him and reminding myself of the stories that i was told by others and asked to share...silly? sure sometimes i think so but other times i look at it as it keeps his memory alive for me without keeping me in the past if that makes sense...its kinda the grounding of yes it really happened and i've quit jumping every time i get a message thinking "what's he up to now" .. but i sure miss those morning texts saying "hey sweetie, just checking in on ya"...