1. < Loss & Grief

Why can’t people stop giving empty hope?

Posted by mmky906 @mmky906, Jan 17 11:41pm

8 months ago I lost my husband. It took me a long time to find him. We were married a year and a half when he passed. We planned for a future and to build a little family. I lost my husband and any chance of starting a family of my own. I have a small window to have children and the moments are speeding by. I miss my husband terribly and am not coping well. Watching everything we planned get ripped away makes things so much harder. I’m alone now.
When I try to express my feelings to people I get the, “you’ll find someone.” “There’s someone out there forms you.” “You’ll have kids and find someone one day.” “Don’t be so negative, things will work out.” I’m so tired of these empty statements. They are invalidating and make me feel more alone. They get to move on because they were “a good person who was there for me,” when in reality it’s a scapegoat. They give unsolicited, non factual, empty statements and feel good about themselves. I sit here wishing I had died with my husband. I stop talking to people because of these responses. They make me feel worse by telling me to look on the bright side and stop thinking negatively, but this is my reality. My friends all have their own families. I have no one to share my life with. I worry I’ll be alone and no one will even visit me as I grow old and die. An existence without love, companionship, connection…what’s the point?

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windyshores | @windyshores | Jan 18 5:55am

@mmky906 I found bereavement counseling to be very helpful. It was offered by our local hospice. But if you go on Psychology Today's therapist finder, there are many therapists who have expertise in grief.

People have a small window for condolences and then want us to move on. The reality is that grief is a years long process. In fact, the bereavement counselor told me the second year can be the deepest grief, but also a time for growth.

I think a counselor can help you with the other type of grief you are experiencing- along with the loss of your partner- the feeling that you have lost the chance to have a family, and the imagining of your future as bleak. Good luck!

REPLY
1 reply
Mentor
Miriam, Volunteer Mentor | @mir123 | Jan 18 9:59am

My deepest condolences to you. When I was 41 my husband, who was 36, died. It was absolutely crushing emotionally. That was 30 years ago, so I've had time to both move on and yes, continue to grieve. People do say incredibly annoying things. My mother-in-law, of all people, said "I hope you'll get married again." Really! I wasn't exactly replacing a dead goldfish. Years later I realized she was just trying to be positive on my account, but it didn't help at the time.

What did help--a lot--a grief group I went to for at least a year. Some counseling via the funeral home. Individual therapy. Reading about widowhood. Keeping a journal. And not depending on other people for understanding--although here I was often surprised--some folks did have helpful things to say. I got a note from a widowed lady, friend of my mom's, old-fashioned French teacher. She said: "I know you can't imagine, but you will feel better." So I'm passing this on to you.

Don't pressure yourself to feel one way or another. I'd say it took me 3-4 months just to come off the shock and 1-2 years to feel functional. And I haven't lived long enough to be "over" it. I'm very happily remarried and have had a lot of life since then but I still often feel acute waves of grief. I don't mind--I'm glad to honor someone I loved so much by missing them.

Please stay in touch. Is there one thing you can try that might help, or at least feel good to try? Are you eating and sleeping? I had trouble with that. walking in nature was/is good for me. I'll be thinking of you.

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1 reply
scad-scared | @scad | Jan 18 10:23am

I’m so glad you spoke up. It’s ok to grieve and feel like you’re alone it’s what happens after our heart has a void from the loss of a loved one. I lost my mom 5 yrs ago and I still feel like it was yesterday. I function but in the inside I’m torn apart. I am now looking into grief counceling because it’s killing me. Literally, I stuffed the feelings in and kept going until I recently had a heart attack. I don’t have any heath issues so it wasn’t from that it’s from a broken heart. I know I’ll never get over loosing her but I have to take care of my heart and relieving stress is the way to go. You’ll eventually learn to ride the waves of emotion but sounds like you need help along the way. I know now I need help. And most people don’t know what to say because they’ve never lost someone so close to them. Good luck on your journey. Never give up.

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1 reply
charleenboone | @charleenboone | Jan 18 11:18am

Try live grief support group. This site is rarely helpful. Go to meditation type group. The loss is real and you have no choice but to walk thru it.

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mmky906 | @mmky906 | Jan 18 11:52am
In reply to @windyshores "@mmky906 I found bereavement counseling to be very helpful. It was offered by our local hospice...." + (show)
@windyshores

@mmky906 I found bereavement counseling to be very helpful. It was offered by our local hospice. But if you go on Psychology Today's therapist finder, there are many therapists who have expertise in grief.

People have a small window for condolences and then want us to move on. The reality is that grief is a years long process. In fact, the bereavement counselor told me the second year can be the deepest grief, but also a time for growth.

I think a counselor can help you with the other type of grief you are experiencing- along with the loss of your partner- the feeling that you have lost the chance to have a family, and the imagining of your future as bleak. Good luck!

Jump to this post

Thank you. I just started counseling two weeks ago (finally got insurance back after I lost it when my husband died). I am hopeful that will be a place I can express these feelings with support and guidance. ❤️

REPLY
mmky906 | @mmky906 | Jan 18 11:56am
In reply to @mir123 "My deepest condolences to you. When I was 41 my husband, who was 36, died. It..." + (show)
@mir123

My deepest condolences to you. When I was 41 my husband, who was 36, died. It was absolutely crushing emotionally. That was 30 years ago, so I've had time to both move on and yes, continue to grieve. People do say incredibly annoying things. My mother-in-law, of all people, said "I hope you'll get married again." Really! I wasn't exactly replacing a dead goldfish. Years later I realized she was just trying to be positive on my account, but it didn't help at the time.

What did help--a lot--a grief group I went to for at least a year. Some counseling via the funeral home. Individual therapy. Reading about widowhood. Keeping a journal. And not depending on other people for understanding--although here I was often surprised--some folks did have helpful things to say. I got a note from a widowed lady, friend of my mom's, old-fashioned French teacher. She said: "I know you can't imagine, but you will feel better." So I'm passing this on to you.

Don't pressure yourself to feel one way or another. I'd say it took me 3-4 months just to come off the shock and 1-2 years to feel functional. And I haven't lived long enough to be "over" it. I'm very happily remarried and have had a lot of life since then but I still often feel acute waves of grief. I don't mind--I'm glad to honor someone I loved so much by missing them.

Please stay in touch. Is there one thing you can try that might help, or at least feel good to try? Are you eating and sleeping? I had trouble with that. walking in nature was/is good for me. I'll be thinking of you.

Jump to this post

I am not eating or sleeping well. That comes in waves. Sometimes I get a decent routine but it’s short lived and I’m back to normal sleep and eating maybe once a day.
I like the idea of a grief group but to be honest I’m very bad at getting the courage to go. I hope I can gain the courage because I need to connect with people who can understand what losing a partner and feeling lost feels like. My friends have not experienced that and most of my family has not as well.

REPLY
1 reply
mmky906 | @mmky906 | Jan 18 12:02pm
In reply to @scad "I’m so glad you spoke up. It’s ok to grieve and feel like you’re alone it’s..." + (show)
@scad

I’m so glad you spoke up. It’s ok to grieve and feel like you’re alone it’s what happens after our heart has a void from the loss of a loved one. I lost my mom 5 yrs ago and I still feel like it was yesterday. I function but in the inside I’m torn apart. I am now looking into grief counceling because it’s killing me. Literally, I stuffed the feelings in and kept going until I recently had a heart attack. I don’t have any heath issues so it wasn’t from that it’s from a broken heart. I know I’ll never get over loosing her but I have to take care of my heart and relieving stress is the way to go. You’ll eventually learn to ride the waves of emotion but sounds like you need help along the way. I know now I need help. And most people don’t know what to say because they’ve never lost someone so close to them. Good luck on your journey. Never give up.

Jump to this post

Thank you so much for the kind words and support. It truly means a lot as I feel so alone in this. Im so glad that you are beginning a journey to take care of yourself emotionally and physically. I am beginning to try that too. I don’t have a lot of comforting words and I’m sorry for that, but I wish you all the best on your journey and I hope the light and peace comes back into your life. We’ll never get over losing the ones we love, but I hope for everyone that one day we live a life of celebration for them which balances out the pain of them being away.

REPLY
Mentor
Miriam, Volunteer Mentor | @mir123 | Jan 18 1:38pm
In reply to @mmky906 "I am not eating or sleeping well. That comes in waves. Sometimes I get a decent..." + (show)
@mmky906

I am not eating or sleeping well. That comes in waves. Sometimes I get a decent routine but it’s short lived and I’m back to normal sleep and eating maybe once a day.
I like the idea of a grief group but to be honest I’m very bad at getting the courage to go. I hope I can gain the courage because I need to connect with people who can understand what losing a partner and feeling lost feels like. My friends have not experienced that and most of my family has not as well.

Jump to this post

Try and find a grief group, where it meets, etc. Might it help to post your intention here--like--I hope to go on Tuesday--and then fill us in if you go? Just thinking it might help to have some company/support. Let us know how this goes.

REPLY
windyshores | @windyshores | Jan 18 5:44pm

I tried a group and found it more distressing than comforting. I guess I felt overwhelmed by all the grief. A targeted group for people who have lost spouses might be helpful. My group was mixed: young people who lost parents, older people who lost very elderly parents, and I felt for the younger ones. I did connect with one person and we kept in touch for two years.

Individual counseling helped me. First bereavement and then a different counselor for living again.

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