@sadiesmom

Have you noticed any increment of change for the better the past few days?

I think that the loss of hope is the most devastating effect of depression. I know that it's one of the classic symptoms, along with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, memory loss, reduced brain function and body function, loss of ambition, desire, pleasure, motivation...the list goes on. Thankfully, help is available at many levels. Sometimes the challenge is just finding the resources we need, not to mention having the energy to do that.

I hope that you'll begin to see the smallest improvements each day as you go through the nightmareish process of withdrawal. I'm praying that for you.

Jim

Thank you, Jim. I seemed to at least be able to move able a little yesterday. I had to run to the grocery store for dog food. I would starve but i can't let my Sadie Sue go hungry! I sat outside on the back porch for about 25 minutes with the sun beating on my face. It was only about 57 degrees here but the sun was warm and the wind was calm. It felt good to get out in the fresh air for a while. Every year I bake all the pies for my family's Thanksgiving get together....usually about 6 pies....pumpkin, pecan and apple. Homemade crust and all. This year is the first year in almost 40 years that I'm not going to be able to do it. I just don't have the physical strength to do it. I tried mixing up a batch of pie dough the other night and the anxiety was so bad......I WANTED to do it so badly and I FOUGHT like hell to try but it just wasn't going to happen. I feel so let down that the tradition I have been able to provide for my family for so many years and one that I truly looked forward to isn't going to happen. That only intensifies the anxiety...failure, failure, failure. My biggest problem in my life right now is loneliness. I retired after my son passed away and that was probably a curse. I just couldn't get myself together enough to work so I went on disability. I have been divorced for 14 years and never had a live in since. Dated a little bit but at that time, "finding someone" just wasn't that important. I felt like if things didn't work out after 30 years, I wasn't going to jump back in the frying pan. I was scared, I knew I would never live through that kind of heart break again. Then about five years later my son committed suicide. I watched him slowly self destruct with no help at all from his dad or other family members. PTSD wasn't even spoken about when he was discharged back in 2006. Gosh....I can't believe it's been that long ago....he enlisted in 2002.....15 years ago. I know I wasn't "over" the divorce when my son passed away. I was still in counseling over that mess. And when Curt passed away, my employer wasn't very willing to work with me about my grief. Some days I made it ok, others, I just couldn't function. I was grieving while trying to hold on to the only income I had. It took me almost 6 months to get disability and in the meantime, my house had gone to foreclosure and my car was just about ready to be repossessed. I had to stand in line the beginning of every month to beg for utility help and help with my medication. I don't really think my family had any idea what I was going through. They didn't have the means to support me financially, but they weren't there for me in my grief. I don't think anyone really knew what to do for me. I was so devastated. I isolated myself and took sleeping pills to stay in bed just about around the clock. That pissed them off but they really didn't do anything to help. "If that's how you want to live, then that's your choice." HELL NO IT WASN'T MY CHOICE. It's what grief and a abandonment do to you. I reached out the best I could but being single it was tough....driving to support groups in the evenings by yourself when you didn't really even know where you were going, usually being the "fifth wheel" as most participants were married couples. It was hard and still is. Every time I go to a therapist for help, I get this "deer in the head lights look" from them because I know they're thinking, "I don't even know where to begn to help this lady." The demons of suicide rear their ugly heads daily......

Be kind to yourself Sadiesmom. Most of us here cannot possibly feel the pain you have from losing your son. He must have been a wonderful man to want to save his country and bless all in the services.
I hope for you to have peace soon to be able to reflect on and enjoy the memories of him you have as a baby, little boy, teenager, grown man that are yours alone to savour.
I hope he can look down on his mom and see her at peace and being able to honour the memories.
By seeking help here and sharing your story and pain is a positive step for you.
You have lost your beloved Curt. I will light a candle for him today and send love and peace to both of you. I’m sure he wishes that for you xxx

@sadiesmom

My first reaction, reading your story, is to go into counselor mode, which means listening mode. The greatest thing my current therapist has given me is the gift of listening. We all have a real need to be heard. No advice, judgment, assessment, or even commentary.

A good therapist shouldn't have the deer/headlights look. I went to my first session in March with a list of mental issues to address, with suicidal ideation at the top of the list. After that first session, I told him that he had saved my life.

I'm disappointed and surprised that Chris couldn't get the help he needed for PTSD. The VA would surely have been treating many, many veterans for it by 2012. I have a service dog, partly for PTSD, and for depression and anxiety, as well. Have you considered getting a dog who could be part of your treatment plan? There are certain breeds which are particularly adaptive for therapy and comfort, and there are, as a rule, many such kinds of dogs looking for a home. For me, part of my own therapy is loving my dog, Sadie. She helps mitigate anxiety and suicidal ideation, and is a comfort when I'm sad.

You verbalize your feelings and experiences so well, I wonder if you could save your writings in a folder, whether it's a print folder or digital. I keep a little diary on my nightstand, and when I feel like it, I write a sentence or two. Sometimes it's just about an activity, other times it's a way to vent, or express a frustration. I write, too, about how I've been treated - whatever is most on my mind. I don't see the diary as a job I'm required to do, or I probably wouldn't do it. Requirements are overwhelming. Even the simple ones.

Many people here have the same frustration about not being understood. I'm at the place right now when I just stuff my feelings and thoughts, and save it for the therapist. I'm intentional these days not to say anything to my wife about my pain, feelings or opinions, avoiding any conflict. I feel much worse when those things are minimized or dismissed. We need just to be heard and validated, don't we.

We're at our daughter's home for a few more days, and the Domino's delivery person just brought us our lunch. We can chat again.

Jim

Thank you for your kind words and understanding. The VA does absolutely nothing for our Veterans other than push a cocktail of psychotropic drugs. I can't tell you how may families I have met since losing my son who have experienced the same. I do have a Sadie dog! She's a little 15 year old wiener dog who has been the only thing that has stuck by my side....literally. However, she is getting deaf and blind and I think she's developing doggy dementia which is excruciating to watch. I know my time with her is getting shorter and shorter. I thank God for her companionship over the years and when she does finally pass, I know she will be running and playing with my son up in Heaven. I know that.
My therapist is a good therapist, I think. I've only been seeing him for a couple of months. He's very kind and compassionate.....and he does listen because, like my posts here, my feelings pour out of me. He recorded a couple of relaxation readings for me on my phone which help at night. He is working with me on taking back my own power to live my life again. I have been in such deep, deep depression for the past 15 years since my divorce and like I said before, it was been one tragedy after another before I could dig out of the previous one. I have learned to open my Bible and search for comforting words and readings....because I have to believe Our Lord is the only reason I am still alive....I try to concentrate on a purpose for my life. I truly believe God has a wonderful purpose for me and I have also learned that he gives us what we need in HIS time, not ours. And we have to have patience. I pray that someday, I meet someone or come into some kind of experience that will meld all of my broken pieces back together and I will find the peace and comfort that have been taken from me. If I even get that experience for a short time before I leave this earth, I will be ok with that. I just don't want to go out of this world in such a broken, desperate way.....hope your pizza was good!

@sadiesmom You have been fortunate to have your little faithful dog for so long. Dogs really are very special “people”. I still miss ours and he’s been gone for 11 years. He was totally deaf and could barely move. He loved our place in Maine because he could run free there so we kept him through the summer which was probably a mistake because he was so disabled at that point that he definitely could not enjoy himself there. Just thinking about him brings tears to my eyes.
Your therapist sounds wonderful. It’s so difficult to find a decent one. I have tried a couple of times. At first when my kids were teenagers and my son went through a very difficult period. As I always say, the jury was out for a long time on my son, but I am so happy with the adult he became. The second time I went to someone was after my cirrhosis diagnosis. My husband really pushed me to. I didn’t feel the need to and after two sessions the therapist and I agreed that I did not need it. My PCP felt the depression I had for a short time was simply “justifiable depression” and I believe he was right.
You are right, we have to trust in God to do what is best for us. As I have said before, I truly believe that I was the recipient of a miracle when I got my transplant, just in time. I pray to him now that my niece who is battling the worst breast cancer will get through all of this but I worry that all of his favors for me may be used up.
I too hope you meet someone who will be there for you. I am not sure if you mean a romantic interest of just a person you have a good rapport with, like if another woman, a “soul sister”. At this point in my life if anything happened to my husband I would be perfectly content if I had women friends or men friends with whom I can just enjoy life.
JK

@sadiesmom

The pizza was strange because they didn't put any cheese or sauce on one of them, a misunderstanding in the order.

A resource for comfort is a Google of Psalms of comfort. Another is Psalms of lament, which I think help me express my prayers during depression.

There are times when I don't feel like praying or have no words, and feel like God is distant, indifferent or gone missing. For times like these, I appreciate the availability of written prayers, whether Scripture or a printed collection. Many traditions think written prayers are unspiritual and not extemporaneous enough, maybe impersonal. But, though I come from that tradition, the prayers that have been written by masters of prayer, are full of expression and have good theology and depth.

I need to get out and walk Sadie and her little housemate, Pete. Sadie's showing some cabin fever.

Jim