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Lost my daughter to suicide will be 2 years ago in 2 days
Depression & Anxiety | Last Active: 3 days ago | Replies (28)Comment receiving replies
I completely feel what you are saying. I have been in several acute mental care hospitals, in the past, and I’m often scared to express how I truly feel, for the same fear. I’m scared I’ll be committed against my will. My past experiences with mental hospitals were not good ones and I feel traumatized by them. Even with counseling, meds, and a lot of hard work, I still struggle but I use the tools I have now to give my grief, pain, sadness, and despair its space and time and it’s getting a little easier to reframe and get back to a better state of mind the next day. I also feel like I’ve been abandoned by so many because it’s easier to not deal with me and my feelings or they feel my past attempted suicide was for attention, or don’t
understand why I can’t just get over what’s happened and choose to be happy. I’ve been at the place where I truely believed it would be better for me and the people left in my life, if I ended it all but slowly I’m seeing my life does have purpose despite my grief, scars, and despair. I also, now, couldn’t fathom causing the pain and grief my death would cause to the few who do still care and love me and that keeps me going. I, also, have two grandkids, I push for them every day. They give me purpose, they love me and don’t see my brokenness the way the others do. I pour a lot into them (despite that I physically can’t pick them up or care for them) and use what I regret about the past to rewrite my future for them and do better for them. I know this is getting long but I just want you to feel an ounce of hope because even when we feel like no one cares, there is ALWAYS someone who does and I do, I care what you are going through and my heart aches for you. Our stories are not the same and by no means am I comparing them but I just want to validate that your feelings are real and grief can be debilitating. My whole life, my parents and others would tell me to lean on God but I just couldn’t hear it. For why would a God make me this way or let the things I’ve been through happen? Recently I started being able to hear God speaking to me through songs or another person and the more I listened the more I heard. Just weeks ago, I was crying so hard while heading to my parents house to take me to yet another doctors appointment because I felt all alone and like so many people had let me down or not supported me through my life and a song came on and these are the words I heard “Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing, you didn't see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing
Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone
Here and now
You can be honest
I won't try to promise that someday it all works out
'Cause this is the valley
And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know
Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
I'm not strong enough, I can't take anymore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
Can He find me here
Can He keep me from going under
Oh, my soul
You're not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone
Oh, my soul, you're not alone“
I hope this song brings you the peace it gave me in that moment. Please remember, someone does always care, even we don’t feel it.
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@barelyhere1 That is a great song by Casting Crowns, a Christian band that has many songs that have helped me to get through some difficult times in my life. I cannot even imagine the pain you are experiencing losing your daughter via suicide. I know it may be difficult for some to talk about suicide, like it's a dirty word. For me, I wish we talked about it more, it is not taboo, or at least it shouldn't be. I work in mental health and have learned one thing about grieving that has been helpful to share with others. Grief is the evidence of having loved. It demonstrates just how much we loved/continue to love even in death. The pain can be extraordinary, but we would not feel it so acutely for so long if there hadn't been love. What everyone has said about grief is true, there unfortunately is no roadmap through it or therapy protocol to heal. I think someone mentioned celebrating the life of the lost loved one. I think this is a terrific idea to focus on the life that was lived vs focusing on the loss/death. We each walk through grief in different ways, and we all experience a lot of the same emotions through the roller-coaster of grief. Please hang in for the sake of your other children and your grandchildren. There are days I struggle with suicidal thoughts but then I think about my granddaughter, she's almost 2, her presence in my life gives me the courage and strength to go on another day or another hour. Try to focus on the lives of those still here with you and the love you share with them, while remembering the good times you shared with your daughter who has passed. As a therapist myself working with suicidal clients, if someone tells me they are thinking about ending their lives, I assess for the level of risk, create or review a safety plan. I only hospitalize people who are communicating that if they leave my office they WILL die by suicide. I don't want people to be afraid to tell me their thoughts and feelings, because what is the point of therapy if you can't share your dark truths, understandable truths given what you have been through? My thoughts and prayers are with you through your grief stricken heart. I would encourage you not to see yourself as broken, instead see yourself as some one who has survived to this point, no matter how difficult it is. Try to find hope in the happy memories and live in those spaces as much as you can, this may mitigate your grief somewhat for a while, but I think that is better than the alternative. Please take care of yourself, give yourself grace and mercy and forgiveness. The world is a better place with you in it.