I'm now T minus 18 days and find myself getting more stressed and anxious - not for the surgery but for life afterwards. Despite all my preparations - the things that I can control that impact the outcome, like pelvic floor and general health & well being - I feel like I'm woefully unprepared.

It's funny I feel this way because every doctor/therapist/friend/family says that I'm doing far more in advance than the vast majority of guys do (my friends and family say "yea, that's typical you") but it never feels like enough. My pelvic floor therapist said in all her time doing this that only two other guys saw her before surgery to get ready and she wishes more would. I've now seen her 5 times and while she really digs into weird places I have to admit that the deep butt work is actually quite relaxing mostly, I find myself looking forward to it lol.

I think I've done "the" things. I'm pretty sure I can bend carbon steel with my pelvic floor, dropped 20 pounds, have been careful about consuming anything unhealthy and know I've done the things, but still.

I've started the 5mg Tadalafil daily to get it built up in my system along with 3g of L Citrulline daily (penile therapist said it can help but certainly doesn't hurt), which are a literal and figurative big pill to swallow for a guy who's never had even the slightest issue in that department, but whatever. It has an interesting side effect, that "morning wood" now keeps me awake once it starts and it keeps ebbing and flowing - not the one or two normal, but 10-15 times and I attribute this to taking an ED pill when everything is quite healthy down there already. Other than the normal use for it, I've thought of using it as a hammer and working on building a new cabinet or something.

I'm slightly less worried about incontinence because I have focused quite a lot on being prepared to use my pelvic floor since I'll lose that primary sphincter, but still worry about ED. I know half the nerves will go, I get really anxious when I consider waking up from surgery and being told the other half had to be taken.

I also worry about adjusting to the new continence control, like how I'll deal with spicy foods or alcohol or heavy lifting. With loss there is the "year of firsts" where you have to experience something for the first time since loss, I expect continence will be similar that I won't know how to deal with heavy lifting (etc) until I do it the first time.

I've saved some things to cheer me up after. I haven't had any of the Christmas baking my wife did because I'm laser focused on healthy habits right now, but I look forward to finally trying them after surgery. It's not much, but it's really the only thing to look forward to right now.

That's all, just a bit of a journal entry today.