You are an educated person, and you are now wise at your stage of life.

You know what you must do. When you are sufficiently motivated to help yourself, you will do so.

I have related this story in another thread, but it's worth repeating to help to make the point that real motivation is intrinsic: When my now-94 year old dad was about 12, his parents finally got a wall telephone, the cradled earpiece and the big wooden box on the wall. My dad had watched his parents place calls, and finally he wanted to call a friend. He was timid, and turned and asked his dad for help. My grandfather, who did not lift his eyes from his newspaper (remember those...LOL!) replied, 'Son, when you want to make that call badly enough, you'll do it yourself.'

Are you worth saving? What would the people who love you say in reply if you asked them that question?

Having replied to you this way, you are what you made of yourself, but it wasn't just a one-way streak. You worked in a high pressure milieu with lots of stressful, and tearful, moments. It was hard on you. Based on what little I know about you, you may not have chosen your parents very thoughtfully...TSK, TSK!!

Seriously, it might be time to adopt some health changes and to run hard with them. Think of it as another degree you'll have to earn, except this one requires learning about 'you'.