Help me explain to friends why i often have to cancel plans

I’m exactly the same way! It’s so hard to not overdo it when friends come over because I feel badly about being “done”.

I learned that when I stopped drinking and being a taxi I learned I didn't have many if any friends. It's hard but I pray 🙏 ( I hear that alot too) but I'm grateful for my home myroof over my head. Food , water, and family. Try just to take a day at a time it's alot easier.

I have a similar situation. Lately have not even attempted to attend any functions. My immediate family know of my condition, but it is not shared with others. Of course except here with no real personal info.

Jaybee51 makes a good point. Pain is gods way of reminding us that we are alive. I will never put down someone’s pain as it affects everyone differently. Others can’t feel it or see it. I wish that the compassion some doctors have or don’t have as money being the issue. But the need to communicate better! The biggest phobia in the world is public speaking. They may say little in a clinic visit but create notes saying you talk too much! If you don’t go anywhere, never call anyone, or have close friends come by for a few hours, then I ask, where do you go to talk. Pain leads to problems in the personal life between siblings or spouse. Some with pain get real quiet while others talk your head off! I just prefer the divide disappear!

they are 20 years younger? Enough said, LOL. Go find people your own age. I am 67 and stopped by college friends the other day - who i haven't seen in 12 years. We had a great time! All we did was discuss our joint replacements and doctors for 3 hours. (I really DID have a great time catching up with them!) Replaced the old days of drinking brewskies and smoking a "bowl." Find new friends. They exist. Accept these friends may not be your speed or pace. It doesn't mean you are geriatric. Just accept them the way you want to be accepted. Pick up some consuming passions and hobbies. Go volunteer. I have pain and it is exhausting. I am not lonely. I am very happy to just BREATH sometimes and appreciate nature. Do art. Read. Watch a movie. Cook. Listen to music. Write to you all here. So much to do!!! good luck.

Hi @tripp7, you articulated your condition so well in your first post. Can you tell your friends exactly what you wrote? If it's difficult, put it in writing. A shorter version might work as they sound kind of impatient and insensitive.
You should be prepared that, after your disclosure, members of the fast moving group may move on.
As @loriesco pointed out, it may be time to make some new friends, either similar in age or if younger, with an understanding of how pain and disabilities, can alter one's quality of life and slow it down.
Maybe get involved in support groups or groups that focus on activities that can be done at a slower pace.
Also, find activities that you can enjoy on your own to give yourself peace and pleasure.
Sometimes in life we just have to say goodbye and be willing to part with people and activities that aren't working anymore, that become a source of pain and aggravation.
I wish you the best.

I might’ve been a little quick in my reply as well. Pain does that to us sometimes right? I should’ve stated an empathetic reaction 1st before I went into ways to deal with it.
What I have found over the years is that most people cannot empathize it’s a rare quality. Most people can at most sympathize. They’ll feel sorry for you, but if ya show contradictory behavior, then they will victim shame you.
I had to cervical spine surgeries in June and July 2023. I haven’t healed completely and I lost mobility in the fusion fusions and when they stuck a rod in my back. Yet my very own son was yelling at me that I could reach something and I was just faking it Last week. It was crazy. Of course he is crazy and has schizophrenia so that is part of it but still it’s very toxic to be around people that try and shame you and hope that you will stop complaining or will behave differently. I do not want to be around those people. I’ve had doctors do that to me. I’ve had the pain management doctor do that to me, which was also crazy. I’ve had people yell at me because I walked too fast exiting my car and park in a handicap zone my neighbors get together on Saturday afternoon since Covid started in 2019. They have a rule that you can’t talk politics, medical problems, and one more thing I can’t remember at the moment. If I can’t share my medical issues at time, my complications with healing, the fatigue and whatever else then it’s in common on me to find stuff I can talk about that is engaging with them or respect what they’ve agreed to and realize I won’t get any sympathy or empathy there. We have to accept that some places won’t provide us the support where after. When we realize that it’s up to us to responsibly find a way to meet our own needs elsewhere. Good luck.

If they’re real friends they’ll understand.
If not it’s time to move on.

I feel your pain. Metaphorical and physical.
4 level cervical fusion, 2 additional autoimmune conditions that are simultaneously trying to fuse my spine by calcifying all the soft tissue in the spine and that connect thy ribcage to the spine, while the other grows awesome little spurs to dig and bite into my nerves when I move or twist wrong.

Plans are day to day at best.
If there is an "absolute must attend" function, it's a series of about 5 upper body braces and proper timing of meds to maximize effectiveness.

It's not something you can explain to a someone who hasn't felt the crippling sensation of just wanting to crumple to the floor in the fetal position as pain takes hold for a bit.
And I'm not sure I'd wish this on my worst enemy, and I'm fairly hateful lol.

I try to find very descriptive ways to explain the sensations I feel, and I've found that you first have to know your audience and what will bug them.
For my family, I explained a "good" neck pain day with the hardware and all is a 5 on the 1-10 on the daily pain scale.
The autoimmune conditions i describe as waking up with the soft stuff inside now crystallized. It's like glass you have to break up to be able to move, then the rest of the day moving, bending, twisting ask feels like it's being done through broken glass.

That seemed to open some eyes.

Plus, having to watch the ordeal that is putting all the braces on I need just to walk around looking half normal, my wife described as what she imagined my hockey pregame being like.
I tried to convey that excitement comes with strapping on the pads and skates, only dread comes with the ritual of putting on what I have come to think of as the scaffolding that holds this structure together.

My friend circle dwindled to one.
But that had as much to do with only having friend groups that revolved around the sports I played.
Now I can't be around them or watch sports I used to engage in as the sheer depression it brings on is crippling.

It's a struggle. Some folks are going to have compassion and try to understand even though they can't truly imagine what you are going through.
Worse, because spinal issues can sometimes not be visually obvious, people diminish the level of hurt you are in or pain you might feel.
People look at me funny when I pull into the Handicapped spot, but when they see me trying to unfold my frame from a vehicle and the difficulty I have waking with just a normal gait, they seem to clue in. Although the gigantic back brace hanging out the back of my hoodie is usually a giveaway ha!

Hopefully your friends will be understanding.
Movie nights require stretch or body readjusting breaks.
Game nights ditto.
There are times I find standing more comfortable, so perhaps game nights with some freedom to move help.

But going to 3 hour movies at the theater? Road trips ( unless there are lots of stops to stretch), camping, theme parks, oh man so much is off the table now.

And if you can occasionally meet them halfway (time meds right, go do something they can engage in but maybe you're sidelined due to the spine, but still show them you are interested in what they think is fun) you can find avenues of conversation open that may help get where you want to be.

What sucks are the trips and activities you just can't make accommodations for.
My family is in to off roading, and golf and camping.
Not exactly 3 spine tender friendly activities.

It'll be an adjustment for both sides. Your real friends will stick around, but you might need to start thinking of ways to fill areas filled by other activities before.

Best of luck to you. Stay strong, every day could bring some new development that makes a change in spinal health.
Try not to focus on what's lost but what remains.
I lost over a decade to anger and bitterness because it happened to me pretty young.
Hard to not get back to that place knowing there's no hope on the horizon for me (again 2 of my 3 issues are autoimmune with no cure), but it doesn't have to be that way for you.

Don't be glass empty or half full with this issue. As long as you are breathing, you can always refill the glass...

Hang in there. It can be tiresome repeating that it's the same thing bothering you all the time but manifests in different ways.
Sometimes pain is so bad I just shut down and don't engage.
If it's something "important" for family or something of that ilk I try to use thy right combo of meds and braces, but when I move away and disengage, those who know me recognize what's happening.

Something like this can be othering.
Glad you have a place here where people go through similar scenarios.
At least you know it isn't unique to you.