Hi @johnschaar and welcome to the Head and neck group. Everyone is nervous about Chemo and radiation when it comes to treating head and neck cancers. The HPV+ variety appears far more responsive to treatment and far less likely to return. For myself and many others the routine was surgery and radiation only. This all depends on how invasive the cancer is. or rather what stage is considered.
I think you will find most doctors are not willing to treat patients who wish to drive the bus. I don't wish to get into a discussion between you and your wife. Perhaps she has a significant background in cancer treatments, perhaps runs her own cancer center with excellent results. I have no idea. But if you want the medical community to help you, then you must trust they will do the best they can. The only caveat is one should ensure the oncologist has significant experience with head and neck cancers, as they require precise treatment such as proton radiation as opposed to photon to minimize damage to healthy structures.
Anyway, not a doctor myself but I wish you the best. Perhaps others will jump in here to help. In the mean time, what stage was your cancer and what treatment(s) so far?