https://deathcafe.com looks like a clearing house with info. If you can't join an actual cafe, there might be useful info here. Of course use your discretion about any group--make sure it feels ok to you. But I feel like I should ask--as it sounds like this is paralyzing anxiety--might therapy help? Maybe you've tried it and I missed that post? But fear of death, like any phobia, can be helped by a good therapist. It seems like some strong support from a professional now might be helpful. I myself have benefitted a lot from therapy.