in reply to @babyblues262 I understand, and I am very sorry that you are suffering so. When I received my diagnosis of Primary Immune Deficiency and learned that "they" have changed an incurable disease into a chronic disease, it took me a long time to decide whether or not I wanted IV treatment "for the rest of my life." The first 6 months after I returned from a medical convention in Chicago in June, I could not leave my apartment without having a meltdown. However, with some journaling and the help of a therapist, I finally learned to accept that my disease was a "gift" that could help me education others about the disease. This does not mean that I am not grieving, but rather I have learned to feel gratitude and grief at the same time. Often I do lay in bed at night and wonder if I should put tags on some valuables I have so that my sister does not throw away an expensive painting I bought years ago, or toss out items that have real value. Often I even clean up my apartment before I go to bed, do my hair "just in case..." LOL. The crazy things we do when we get "older" or are suffering from so many different maladies. I had to put a sign next to my bed that says, "grateful," as a constant reminder that when I wake up, I know that someone else did not, and I feel lucky. This is not meant to diminish your fear of death, but rather tell you what has worked for me. My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer 22 years ago and she died 6 weeks after her diagnosis. I will never forget what she said to the doctor when he told her she had at best 6 months..."well, I could step off a curb and get hit by a bus tomorrow...." Make each day count....that is what I learned from her death, and I try my best to make each day count. Not living as though it is my last day, but making sure that "it" counts. The other thing that helps me is complimenting others, as it makes the other person feel good, and in return I feel good because I helped someone who might be having a terrible day, which happens a lot lately. I am an artist and through my art I create things that are akin to death, and this helps me processa and fears I might have about dying, which right now I am not thinking about. Even if you got a piece of wood and stuck things on it, it might help you "reframe" your thoughts (even if I hate that word." Music is also helpful. Listening to songs from years ago "when things were better" has been helpful. I am not religious by any stretch of imagination, but I did join the Episcopal church and have met some wonderful people who don't care what I believe in or not. They talk about the envirnoment, helping others, blessing pets and things like that. I go when I can and I always feel so much more empowered when I see my friends, have a coffee with them etc. I am so sorry about the way you are feeling, and my heart goes out to you because I have been where you are right now...be well and at peace