I have always had a profound fear of dying and death, I think it goes back to when I was younger, I would have terrible feelings of angst when someone I knew died. I think it’s probably because death is an unknown thing and no one has ever come back to say it was wonderful. I also fear how I will die, will it be agonizing or hopefully fast, there are times that I wish I was more religious because people seem to do much better who believe in the afterlife. I’ve had loved ones visit me in my dreams and it felt so real but then my doubts would return and I’d tell myself that it was just a dream. I have survived cancer twice in the past five years so naturally death is on my mind and I feel that it’s normal to think about it when dealing with serious illness, I try very hard to live in the moment and not think too much about the end of life. I don’t buy a lot of things for myself because I don’t need them but it still feels good to treat myself to something I like, no one really knows when their time is up and that’s a good thing, the alternative would be awful. I understand how you feel and it’s not uncommon but I think you will feel better if you try something new just for the experience, it could possibly change the way you think about your life.