Thanks for writing. I hope the tests go smoothly for you. I understand what you are saying. The experience I described with swine flu resulted in a pretty classic near death experience and a kind of existential detachment. I was 21, and honestly didn't know much about life or myself. I really didn't know how to live with the reality of my inevitable mortality. I can't say I've solved it, more like explored it/lived with it. My son-in-law has a very strong fear/dislike of death and he and my daughter and I have been attending a local Death Cafe--in a nice eatery where you can order lunch or a hot drink. This hasn't been a magic fix for him, but at least we're keeping him company, if that makes sense. There are as many approaches as there are people and I hope you can find a way to do more of what you want to do.