Denise,
When I was eight years old, I was kicked out of Sunday School for asking too many questions. One in particular was after the minister spoke to us about praying. I asked, less clearly than what follows, that if I prayed for something that God did not want, would it happen? The answer was no. Then I asked if I did not pray for something, and God wanted it to happen would it happen? He told me yes. That was the start of my journey away from organized religion.

I have very religious friends who cannot believe I never uttered one prayer during my heart transplant journey. Still, they told me that I was saved for some unknown purpose by their prayers. I have no problem if someone believes out of a need for consolation (credo consolor). But please stop demanding that I believe as you do. If one needs a God in their life, I would not take that from them. I side with French mathematician LaPlace on where God fits in. I have no need of the hypothesis.

Many will be bothered by my lack of faith but to them I say I have an immense store of faith. It is not in another person's experience. It is not in the experiences documented in a book. It is in my own experience. And then the cries of arrogance will follow. But who is arrogant? Those who demand my compliance or the one who is content to let you believe as you want.

I am with you in this journey. Of all the things you need now, guilt is not one of them. I assume with the reference to chemo you are fighting cancer. That is a much tougher road than mine. I wish you well.
Best always,
s!

PS: I love it when Job holds God accountable towards the end of their conversation. God pulls rank on him and Job basically answers that he knows his place but that God still owes him an answer. And of course God buys him off with riches. Still does that compensate for all of his suffering as a pawn between two deities? I think not.