People who ignore parents and grand parents

@evron

That behavior is unacceptable. Not knowing the family dynamics I can only suggest that you phone your son telling him why you are ceasing contact or sending gifts. If he does not speak to you then send him a final letter with an explanation. That may open up a line of communication where you can both share any grievances and past history. I am assuming your daughter in law is not open to speaking with you. Good luck. It’s sad when this happens to families.

FL Mary

I share your grief, because it IS grief when someone you love chooses to reject you, to no longer acknowledge your existence, not want you in his/her life.
Our firstborn (a son now 54) changed drastically during the pandemic. While the world was shut down, our son had met a young woman whom I learned through conversations with her (and texts, emails) that she had serious emotional and psychological issues. It was alarming. To make a long story short, they sheltered in place together during the pandemic, along with her then 11 year old son, in a nice rented house for which he paid the rent, etc. She became verbally and physically abusive with her son (slapped him and school officials involved a counselor who then called police and charges were filed). She spent a few days in jail. I tried talking with her that slapping/spanking were NOT only against the law, but also NOT effective ways to deal with an otherwise loving child who backtalked. Bottom line: I learned how she gaslighted, fabricated stories about me and made accusations, revealed intense narcissistic behaviors, all the while saying that she loved me and wanted to be part of our family. Our son saw none of that, believed all the bs that poured out her mouth, and finally I could not take any more. So I paid the price, because I became the villain, and our son defended her to the hilt, cursing me out as being the "witch" in her psychotic rants and episodes. I was stalked via upsetting texts, emails, including links to satanic lyrics and sites. (Our local police advised me to file harassment charges but I didn't want to make matters worse.) Our son chose to believe HER. Chose to believe that I was at fault. My health was being seriously affected (I have heart issues and unknown at the time advancing multiple sclerosis and other health concerns), so I had to come to the decision that I needed to step out of the equation, and told him so in an email since he refused calls. Told him that since I appeared to be in the way, that I would step back so he could live his life as he chose, and that I would always love him and want him in our lives, in our small family unit, but would not be her scapegoat. With that, he created his own family unit, just him and her, with the son that he had decided to adopt, and her family whom she had accused of having been even sexually abusive. Neither my husband nor our adult daughters wanted her in our lives but hadn't voiced that. He cut off the only family that he had ever known, along with three nephews and a niece.
To say that we were heartbroken is an understatement. We MOURNED, for losing him was an unbearable grief. I fell into a deep depression. Have not felt his embrace or kiss, nor heard his voice or laughter in so many years. He would call his dad on his birthday, but not me. Would text a greeting for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but not to me. After all, I was "la culpable," the one at fault. There had been so many hurtful, ugly words from both her and him, because indeed he was affected. We could not fathom how he came to change so much, but he embraced all the conspiracy theories, etc. This year, there was no call to his father on his birthday, which coincides with our anniversary. No text to him for Thanksgiving either. And there won't be one for Christmas. The realization hit me hard that our son has totally disappeared. THAT deepened my depression, added more pain to what I already felt. My husband is stoic and hides his feelings/thoughts. I cry when I see our son's artwork on the wall (he was an incredibly gifted person, from age 5 onward). When I hear music that he played as a teenager (he taught himself electric guitar and played with a band and was excellent with the piano from age 7). When I make pizza, I recall how I taught him the process at our kitchen island...and tears flow. I ACHE for him. So I DO know what you feel, what you are going through.

What I suggest is that you continue sending cards. Text "Happy birthday" etc. Short and sweet, but they are reminders to him that you have not forgotten him. That is what I have done and do. Simple reminders to our son that he will ALWAYS BE OUR SON. That we have not erased him. And I continue to pray that perhaps at one point I may get a response...that is my prayer each night.

Quite honestly, in your case I would not continue sending gifts. But definitely remember each of them on birthdays, holidays with cards, and simple texts. Reminders that they are not forgotten, that they still are within your thoughts and hearts.

May God bless you and help you through your painful journey.🙏🏽💖

@evron I’m going to provide the advice I often see in advice columns. No, do not cease sending gifts and cards to your son, his wife, and grandchildren. While it’s understandable that you feel slighted these folks are your family. They are not meeting your expectations of contact and I wonder why that is? My father got angry with his sisters off and on and well into their 80’s and 90’s. He would stop speaking with his sisters and to what end? Family estrangement like this, the longer it continues, is very difficult to manage. We as parents and grandparents can model the behavior we would like to see in our children and grandchildren and keep the communication open.

I live far away from my family too and I used to get annoyed when my niece did not send a note or acknowledgement when I sent her gifts for her birthday or the holidays. I also considered not sending gifts anymore but then realized this. My niece will always remember that I thought of her and that I did not cut off contact. These days she sends me a text and while I don’t consider that a “real” thank you note like her mother used to send (and taught her to send) I do receive an acknowledgement. Texts are the way to communicate in her generation (she is 35 years old).

Have you sent texts to your son and/or his wife? If yes, do you get responses? How old are the grandchildren?

Thank you so much! I have sent them letters, texts. My son got involved with a girl and after they were going to have a child she told us that she did not have faith but she would let us raise the child in our faith. She came from a poor, broken family and had a lot of trauma as a child. My husband died when the little boy was not even two years old and the dynamics changed where I was the outcast. I am a Christian, a Catholic, a Canine for Christ Therapy dog owner and chaplain, a leader in ministry and without my faith I would have been dead already as I came from a painful childhood myself, but I had Jesus all my life and said the Lord's Prayer every day. She told me that she was never baptized. It appears none of her family is baptized or saved. I did not know that until when after the first Mother's Day after my husband was dead, & I gave them all custom bibles, her and her MOM smashed them in anger on the dinner table in anger right in front of me. That was a statement. Just about all that my husband & I worked for has fallen into the wrong hands since he died. I was crushed, My heart sunk. She told me that she would not help me have a realationship with my family if I spoke about Jesus but she never helped me anyway. She told me she does not need Jesus. She is self-serving and mean. She rages and has bad spirits. They smoke pot. Drink. Teach their kids the same life style There is nothing holy in their home except they let the kids go to CCD.. She does not work or clean or cook regularly. The get alot of take out. My son is overworked and then goes fishing and hunting with his son. She takes care of herself. I saw that she had brought what I thought was a yoga statue into our home but it was a statue of a hindu god of perversion, Shivra. They got married and my son changed. He said he had to protect his son, keep his son under his roof so he was forced into this evil relationship even though I told him if he went to God, took his wife with him for Christian counseling and took them to church, God would help, he did none of that. The second child he did not know if it was his but it was thank God. The phone number I have for him, she controls. They don't reply to my texts. or emails. She rules with rage. He works to sustain their life style and off of the money he asked me for. He looks very sad all the time. He told me that I am not important some years ago. I am 68 now & but on my 60th birthday they ignored me. I remarried and moved out of state to a warmer more economical state climate & they gave us their blessing to move but then later my son was angry that I moved. They have never visited us. It's been 7 years. I moved because I could not bare to see how she lashed out at my grandkids in front of me. I figured with me not around there would be less pain that involved me. My son asked me for alot of money so I have given him his inhertiance before I am dead and even though I cut myself short, he does not care. I don't get school pictures. I can't be friends with my own daughter-in-law on facebook because she is so vial. I am a Christian woman of God. I pray every day for them and in mass before I go up for communion I put them in the cup of the blood of Jesus for salvation. I was propechied over that for what I am doing for God now my family will be blessed for future generations. I am an intercessory prayer person and evangelist. I prayed into the courts of heaven with Greg Kurjata and God told me to be patient. You are right! I keep giving gifts for my grandsons...that they hope and faith that we love them (I am married again). I bought my eldest grandson two kayaks and when I visited this summer I saw they were in the basement still not used or unwrapped. She is very cruel. 🙁 My heart cries out to the Lord and I put them in His hands. That's the story.