@denise96, your post has touched me deeply for several reasons. I find myself writing a lengthy response, so feel free to read it in pieces, ignore it, or message me as you like.

I hear your words of emotional exhaustion and heartbreak, and I want to thank you for sharing your experience. It’s not easy watching a loved one refuse or dismiss measures that might help them feel better.

As a lung cancer patient myself with a supportive wife, I can see how easily the role of caregiving can become overwhelming. You’re carrying the weight of 2 worlds: your husband’s ever-evolving needs and the need for your own health and emotional well-being. When your efforts meet with resistance, it leaves you feeling helpless, worn down, and resentful – even though your continuing efforts make it clear that you care deeply for your husband’s well-being.

I also used to be a first responder in search and rescue. Ever since the Oklahoma bombing, we’ve recognized the need for first responders to process the emotions they feel while doing what they do. In particular, the community learned that no one can shoulder the pain alone. Seeking support for yourself is not a sign of failure; rather, it’s an essential aspect of being able to continue to provide what help you can to your spouse. With all this in mind, I have a few suggestions. Again, take what you can use and ignore the rest.

1. Neutral Third Party. Does your hospital or cancer center have a patient navigator, oncology social worker, or nurse advocate? These people can be invaluable in helping you two have these tough conversations.
2. Framing. Instead of telling your husband, “You should do this,” try relating medication or nutrition to how it might reduce his pain or improve his comfort in the short term. Avoid asking for compliance. Instead, focus on his quality of life.
3. Ask His Oncologist for Help. We all know it can be difficult to convince a spouse of anything. A direct phone call from his doctor or nurse may be received better, even if they are saying the same thing you are.
4. Self-care. You might think it selfish, but you must carve out time for yourself. Take a walk, leave the house, and have coffee with a friend, or see a hysterically funny movie. Whatever refreshes your soul. You’ve already taken a good first step in reaching out to this support group. Check around and see if there is an in-person support group in your area.
5. Leverage Compassionate Listening. Recognize that his hostility and stubbornness may not reflect on you but are his way of expressing his own fear or feeling of being overwhelmed. Speaking as a patient dealing with intrusive symptoms myself at the moment, I know that the experience can be quite emotional and difficult to understand. Plus, your husband’s emotions (and mine) can change from day to day and hour to hour, which can also lead to confusion and a feeling of being overwhelmed. If possible, see what anxiety underlies his refusal to take medication. What aspect of his journey does he complain about?
6. Hospice or Palliative Care. Palliative care used to mean hospice, which people think of as preparing to die. It’s not always like that anymore. Palliative care specialists focus on comfort, symptom management, and quality of life. They can help your husband manage pain, nausea, or any other symptoms your husband is experiencing in a way that feels less rigid.

Your intentions, compassion, and love are clear. Please remember to show yourself some compassion as well. Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it’s essential to carrying on in your emotionally taxing role.

Lastly, one thing I’ve learned in my own 6-year cancer journey and during search and rescue is that we can’t always save everyone from their poor choices. But we can still love them through their struggles. Remember, you’re not alone. Many caregivers share these same challenges, so find the resources out there to support you.

I’m joining the others in sending you much warmth, empathy, encouragement, and eeeeeease. You’re doing the best you can under tough circumstances. I hope you find opportunities for self-care and gain peace from the understanding that your efforts are an expression of your love, whether or not they appear to be appreciated on the surface.