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I'm not sure where God fits in
My sister is my biggest supporter and the biggest town crier. she's really into church and has her prayer warriors praying for me. I'm a believer too. We see God's role in our life very differently. She believes in the power of prayer and I don't. She thinks God answers prayers and I don't. I think her view is making God a geni in the bottle just rub and your wish comes true or there is some reason for your pain that God is using you for. I look in the Bible and I see it does not work that way. Job is an excellent example.
I'm try to look for reasons to be thankful and say that in prayer. I don't want to become angry with God so I don't ask for healing because its only a 50/50 probability that the chemotherapy will be curative. What if I'm not on I'm the the winning side? I don't want to be disappointed in God. I don't angry with God.
Denise
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There are many things that I don’t understand regarding God and religion. I grew up in a very religious environment and family and I suspect that’s why I am skeptical of organized religion, but I do feel very spiritual and I pray a lot. I don’t profess to know what’s best for others. I just know my heart and my experiences. And that makes a huge difference in my life. The lack of equity of those with health and resources is baffling. I try to have faith and ask for comfort and acceptance.
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2 ReactionsHey Denise, I'm a Denise, too!😊 I appreciate your heartfelt honesty. It made me think of two things. I heard someone say faith begins when you lose it, meaning doubt is a feature of belief and faith, not a failure of it.
The other is my belief that whatever or however you think of God, God is big enough to be angry with. Anger is an emotion, and like all emotions, is fleeting and better expressed than not. God is BIG, my friend. Your anger will not last; it may come back, but we only stay stuck in emotions that are not expressed. Just my two cents. Wishing you the best.
I feel this so deeply, Denise. I too am struggling with so much disappointment and anger. Not necessarily directed at God but generally at the universe that I am back in this fight for the second time. My family is also very religious and hold similar values to what you’ve expressed. I don’t have any answers either, but please know u are not alone in feeling how u r feeling. Being the one going through the actual experience is vastly different than being the one supporting. And as such, I feel that our experience of God through this all will naturally be vastly different. Sending u so much strength and courage as u wake up every morning and continue the fight.
Jenn
Thanks after I posted this I realized God knows my every thought and actions. He knows how much I want to live. He knows how much I am doing to help myself. He can even read my post, ☺️ I don't have to get on my knees to beg. He already knows how I would like things to go.
I'm kind of in the camp that he puts us here and it's our job to figure it out. He gives us talents and not in equal measure. He expects us to use those talents for his glory. So that's what I'm doing.
I am also trying not to blame myself for being in this position. That's a hard one because I want to believe what I do going forward will influence more disease. Can you have it both ways?