Wife: Stop Reading Those Forums

Yes indeed!
If everything is fine no one writes about it (publication bias).

And if everything is great no need to be here in the first place (selection bias)

Add in a bit of confirmation bias and you have a pretty skewed version of reality.
It gets everyone (it's how humans perceive the world), even when you are conscious of the biases.

Confirmation bias is probably my problem as much as anything. While I'm a realist I've already got it in my head that it's all going to fall apart so everything I read props that up.

Well, I got news that something had to be done with my MRI results. I was totally blind to all things prostate cancer and 'freaking out' because of the unknown. I jumped on this forum seeking information, how to deal with my emotions, and wanting to be part of companionship on a journey. I felt safe to share my story. I know I need to treat some advice with caution, but it has made a huge difference with my mood going forward. This forum doesn't usually tread into other subjects (with wide swings of opinion and bias) that general internet forums do and that has been a blessing. Just staying with the topic of prostate-related issues is important to me. The forum has been a comfort and it gives me tons of information and shared experiences. Asking for help and giving help are fundamental human attributes, but when it becomes too much then I understand backing off a little makes sense.

This forum is on balance a wonderful resource and very helpful and can even be comforting, but the best times to read it and the best times to avoid it will vary with the person and with the status of their disease. I am the wife/caregiver and not the patient, and even I have to monitor my reactions and sometimes take a break. My husband doesn't read the forum, and I haven't encouraged him to do so because he might not be able to handle it. However, for many men like stew80, it is a godsend. We just need to pay attention to our feelings and back off for a bit when we need to.

I was going to copy/paste something that I said to someone else here, but you're worth a whole new comment.

That's exactly what my wife said - and our wives are right. For a change.
Reading about the surgery & possible outcomes.... watching hours of YouTube videos - both from medical professionals and patients... I thought it would give me both sides of the story.
And although it's interesting & kinda helpful to see how others went, * most things may not even apply to you *.

I saw one guy who put up his catheter removal on YouTube.
5 minutes later & he's standing there stopping & starting his urine at will. Bastard. I still have no control.

So things that happen to others may not happen to you - in fact they probably won't.
Like the biopsy, for instance. I watched lots from urologists & patients.
They said I'd be bruised for weeks, bleeding for days & would be pain.
Nothing for me. Bleeding stopped when I got home & no bruising or other problems.

You & I have gone about this backwards.
Instead of pre-emptively worrying about things that happened to other guys, use this forum to say "This just happened to me - did anyone else get this?"

We share our experiences of things that have happened - not things that might happen.
Worry is a waste of imagination.

If you want, you can watch the actual surgery on YouTube, so you understand what's actually going to happen during surgery.
But the rest is *your* experience - and it hasn't happened yet.

I spent years watching medical dramas on TV showing patients being urgently wheeled into the operating theatre like they're gonna die.
I walked into the room on my own, to see a bunch of people standing around, then hopped onto the bed like I was gonna get my teeth cleaned.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. In our case, it's best to stop looking up what's happened to others.
But when you do read things, read them as this *might* happen.

Just be reassured that the medical team have done this hundreds or thousands of times & your surgery is literally just another day at the office for them.

In terms of side effects, most guys have the incontinence issues & ED. And there's plenty of support here for both issues. You might be one of the lucky ones, like the YouTube who can pee at will. But you won't know until it happens.

Having said that, you're absolutely welcome to express your worries & vent on here & you may find that the majority of us will say that some possible complications just didn't happen.
And those that do, many have been there, done that & got through.

Like me. you're best to stop reading things & trust that the medical team do this stuff day in & day out. You're in good hands.

I've found this forum much more helpful, to me, for emotional support than for facts, figures or medical information. Honestly, my mental health was in the toilet after my PC diagnosis and no one at my cancer center has ever asked about it, either before or after my diagnosis, and it's not really something I can discuss with family and friends.

This is one of the few places I could say "I'm so happy because I finally got an erection without drugs yesterday" and not have people stammering, being embarrassed and not knowing what to say. (I can't actually say that yet because it's not true, but I know one day I will be able to say it). Or say something like "I cried my eyes out last night because the effects of ADT were really getting to me" and receive understanding vs. family and friends who would just say "you need to stay positive!"

So, for me, reading these forums is very helpful as long as I keep in mind something my therapist said: "reading all the facts and figures and percentages is never going to give you the answer you're looking for because your case is unique and you won't know how it's going to turn out until it turns out."

For me, stage 4 in the bones, this site has been a blessing to me. Until I found this site, I felt like I was alone on this journey, I was diagnosis-ed with mine from the beginning. I'll admit I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but I learn so much on here. To be honest a lot goes over my head. It's that day you read encouraging news posted that brings a big smile. I'm pretty sure we all get down from time to time and more then one time I've signed out feeling so much better then when I came on. Just remember you are not alone, for me, that is a big deal. It's not all doom and gloom, and thank you Scottie for giving me a good laugh. Best to all.

I came to this discussion board because I had a question about healing time after my biopsy. I really didn't want to make an appointment, go to the dr. etc only to find out that I healing normally. I have learned so much since I joined and this forum has helped my own growth and learning. My advice keep reading and use the information as you see fit. You wife will adjust.

@survivor5280 For me, this site has been both encouraging and educational. We live in a world where doctors are busy and don't always have the time to talk about issues in detail. I saw this forum as a chance to fill in some blank spaces about treatment and side effects. As others have said, every body has different side effects, if any. I certainly had my moments of OMG, I hope that the side effect described in this forum does not happen to me. However, I would prefer not to be surprised with a side effect(s) or treatment process, wouldn't you? If you can get a feel from patients of the positive and negative possibilities and maybe the chances of something happening, at least you can process things with some level of understanding and ask your doctors additional questions (as well as those in this forum who have direct experience) backed with some real knowledge of what MAY or MAY NOT happen. You may also learn that even if you have a specific side effect, others may very well be able to shed some light on how they resolved that issue. Try and give yourself some realistic hope that whatever your treatment or side effects, you WILL get through it with your doctors ...and our help.

One last note. Many of us are willing to be private messaged or speak on the phone. Sometimes a one on one discussion can help.

Much good advice from many already.
I had RP in Aug 2022 at age 72 and recovered very well. I also had persistent PSA (.19 post op) so I needed Salvage Radiation Treatment w/ short term ADT from Feb - June 2023.
Yes, it was a bit of a "long haul".
However I sit here today writing this note and have had 5 uPSA tests over the past year; all of which have been "undetectable " at < .02.
And my life has returned to fairly normal, and I am hopeful for the future.
Be realistic, but positive and you will find a way forward, as you have already done.
Best wishes.