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~ Retired, moved closer to kids, unhappy ~
Mental Health | Last Active: Nov 1, 2016 | Replies (16)Comment receiving replies
Abby,
I missed whatever you wrote earlier and I just read this and felt really bad for you. I was divorced after 30 years - a very unwelcome surprise - and i ended up moving away from my home town and everything I knew b/c I couldn't afford to live there, didn't want to keep bumping into my ex and couldn't stand the weather. In other words, I WANTED to move, and had a miserable 1st year anyway b/c I didn't know anyone, couldn't find friends, everything was strange and I too was in a deep dark hole. Then the next year I was diagnosed with cancer, so I was miserable, alone and being treated for cancer TOO. Not a fun 2 years. Now, after 4 years, I am quite content, but I WANTED to come here, and I live in a retirement community where everyone is my age, there are tons of things to do, and I don't have to work. I thought about moving closer to my kids, but their climate is miserable too, there is nothing to do where they live and they all work and have busy social lives so how often was I going to get to see them anyway? Better to live in a sunny clime and have them visit ME.
And boy do I know how no one wants to hear about depression! As if you didn't feel alone already, to have no one strong enough to listen (b/c that's what it takes) without trying to "fix" you is really tough. To be fair, I think people often don't want to hear b/c either they don't know what to say, or your depression scares them in some way. Which is why this site is so great. We all know that some days the greatest achievement of the day is getting out of bed. On a really good day you can shower and get dressed too.
Frankly, it sounds to me like you were MUCH better off where you were. Would your daughters really want you to stay in Va if they truly understood how unhappy you are? Life is short, especially at our time of life. How much of the rest of it to you want to spend feeling miserable? Would your daughters really want you to make their lives easier if the price is your misery? Have you had a heart to heart with them?
I know moving is miserable - I'm not moving again no matter what happens. But I WANT to be where i am, so my situation is different. It's YOUR life. you get to say how it goes. Making choices to make other people happy can oh so easily backfire . . . Sometimes no one ends up happy. Not you or the people you wanted to please. At least if you do what you want you will know for sure that ONE person will be happy. i think making a plan to go back where you want to be would give you the hope you need to keep hanging in there until you have the money/comfort level/energy to act on your plan.
And we are all here to listen, so post to your heart's content. i've been where you are and I'm quite sure i am not the only one.
Replies to "Abby, I missed whatever you wrote earlier and I just read this and felt really bad..."
@amberpep, I can see that you have had more than your share of unfortunate life experiences. I want to congratulate you for your desire to hold on and attempt to 'hold it together'. Although you are currently unhappy in your present situation, I can sense an inner strength that is driving you forward. Yes, it is unfortunate that you and your daughters are not communicating about your feelings.
You say that you will wait until Spring before you make your decision about staying or returning to your condo. I wish I could sit down and visit with you over a cup of coffee! If so I would encourage you to come up with a plan. For instance, what would make you happy enough to stay where you are? Job? Social network? Church membership? Service to others? Education or learning a new skill? Hobby group? Relationship with daughters? etc. I would encourage you to , with pencil and paper, make a list of your desires and to pick 1 or 2 and develop a plan of how to accomplish them. Give your full energy to carry out this plan.
Come spring, you will be better prepared to make your decision. And at least you will have filled your time in an interesting manner!
I send you a hug,
Rosemary
You are welcome. I recently had an epiphany when I realized that if I had a client who took care of herself as badly as I take care of myself I would be counseling her to treat herself better. When it's me, I hardly notice I am treating myself in a way I would not treat another woman, or advise another woman to treat herself.
Taking care of yourself is REALLY important b/c 1. you are in no position to take care of anyone else if you are not in good shape 2. you are right, if you don't do it no one else is going to 3. it says something pretty awful about how we value ourselves that we don't think it's worth spending time/money/consideration/kindness on ourselves. We are NOT old, worn out dishrags only worth throwing out on the garbage heap.
My take-away: It's time to start acting like the Queens and princesses we are. I'm quite sure Queen Elizabeth and her daughter Princess Anne have always put themselves first and would look scornfully down their royal noses at anyone who thought they should do anything differently. And while one might not want to be as haughty as they are, how we treat ourselves has more to do with how we feel about ourselves than anything else.
You have every right in the world to feel happy and do what is going to make you feel that way. And so do I. And everyone else who feels selfish when they put their happiness first. Taking care of ourselves does not mean we are treating anyone else badly. I have finely realized that it just means I giving MYSELF the respect and consideration that I am already giving everyone else. Now why wouldn't I want to do that?
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Thank you so much for your kind and honest reply. It helps just knowing I'm not the only one who has gone through this. I would dearly love to go back to my condo, but I will give it til Spring and then see if anything has improved. If not, then my girls and I are going to have a good, honest, heart-to-heart conversation about what I want for my life. I always feel selfish at these times, but I know (in my head that I'm not. But, being alone, if I don't watch out for myself, no one else is going to.
Thank you so much for sharing your insightful and honest response.
abby