Lost my best friend

well i'll be honest, i'm still struggling at times...I managed to get thanksgiving dinner cooked and literally collapsed and slept the entire time everyone was here, which of course i felt REALLY guilty about but i managed to get all the food done including the homemade rolls i make for ALL holiday meals so everyone was fed...
there's soo many times i find myself bursting into tears for smallest thing thinking of him, it was weird not having him here, his stuff is still all OVER the house esp the downstairs where we had a lot stored and the room he slept in you can barely even get in atm... its hard to go to the farmers market, i've been twice and cried both the entire way there and back and kept finding myself turning around to ask him something and of course he's not there or walking slowly to allow him to keep up or whatever... its just hard...we did his memorial and burial of ashes on Nov 2nd...idk if i'd shared that or not but they're up on youtube if anyone wants to watch them.. search username bhale7904
then the Wed before thanksgiving i had Mohs surgery done on a basal cell carcinoma which turned out to be stage 2 (this was my second one, i'd had one removed i think in Feb or March but it was a lot smaller) .they basically took most of the end of my nose off and then the next day they did stage 1 of a reconstruction on it.. they took cartilage from my ear to rebuild it and did a "forehead flap" which ended up having to go a couple inches into my hairline to get enough skin for the graft to cover it...so i have a tube of skin wrapping around blood vessels and nerves going from between my eyes, arching down to top of my nose where the rebuilt graft is (so there's almost like two nose bridges, one arching high above the other) and of course because the skin that actually covered the rebuilt part is from my scalp...yep you guessed it, i have salt and pepper hair growing all over my new nose... my hair had JUST started coming back in from chemo and is about 1/4" long.. which of course they won't be able to laser for a YEAR so that its completely healed.....if i feel cold on my nose i don't feel it on my nose, i feel it in my forehead, (ie i touch my nose with my cold hands) and thats just WEIRD... my forehead and scalp feel like it does when you're super numb from the dentist and the feeling is JUST starting to come back...
i thought i was going to be getting stage 2 done next week (as in they would remove this monstrosity off my face and put my left eyebrow back in place) but i got a call from them today saying the doc wants to wait another week til the 19th... i told them i'd RATHER they go ahead and do it next week if possible, the itching etc is driving me NUTS...
i've not been able to put up my Christmas lights outside yet (usually do it thanksgiving evening but yea that didn't happen) , my kitchen is a gosh awful mess...friend offered to pay for a deep clean of my house but i got so much stuff here there's not a lot they could get to in order to clean other than my kitchen and bathroom and omg that's a whole different kettle of fish !!! although atm i'd be happy with a deep clean of my kitchen and bath.. i mean like washing walls, cleaning my fridge, moving the stuff etc... i haven't been able to do it in over a year and tbh that's embarrassing to admit in itself!!! i feel SOOOO exhausted still... i feel like all i want to do is sleep...but i can't sleep...

@mommacandy Like I wrote I've been thinking about you. The grief is so overwhelming as you describe it. I can sure understand how very sad you are with all that you described. I didn't realize that he lived in your house too and that sounds even more difficult. The loss is present in your life in every waking moment.

I don't know how you managed to pull together a Thanksgiving dinner. It's no wonder you slept through so much of it because Thanksgiving is exhausting. I can recall putting together many Thanksgiving dinners where I prepared and cooked for days and feeling utterly exhausted after it's all over.

Do you think it's time to allow others to take care of you? How about that deep clean that was offered by a friend? You've had such a trying year with your own diagnoses, chemotherapy, and surgeries as well as for your friend that it's no wonder you haven't been able to do much in the past year. What would you tell your best friend who you recently lost if he was still here and in your situation? Would he ask you to you invite someone to help you with all of this?

he didn't live with us full time until prob the last year...his cats pretty much overwintered by themselves with someone going to check on them etc a couple times a week even if it wasn't us last year.. we would occasionally spend the night there but it was like he lost interest in staying there esp after his chickens were killed by the bear when it literally tore the coop apart. other than the time he was getting radiation during the times of a couple of my surgeries i literally had been with him pretty much 24-7 at either his place or mine for the last 15 months.. honestly i was with him at times more than i was my husband...but then when it became clear he wasn't going to recover we brought his cats here, half to my house and half to my daughter's. (he had 8 cats) as well as essentially moved him into my daughter's old room.
my husband won't allow me to accept the deep clean, (at least not yet), because tbh our house looks like a hoarder house and he said its pointless because...we have SOOOO much stuff here, its like how in the world could they clean? Don't get me wrong its a VERY slow declutter working toward a MASSIVE yard sale next spring.. we have an entire wall of our basement stacked with boxes and totes already of stuff to sell...and we've not even BEGUN to go through any room but the kitchen (not to mention all the bags/boxes of stuff we've taken to the ministry we run) ...don't get me wrong there's a few of his things in the stack that i've managed to get through, but there's soooo much of his that will need to be listed in reenactment groups etc.. but in the meantime.... yea its really hard..
my boys say they'll be over Sun to put up my outside lights...i had talked to another girl about helping with just cleaning my kitchen when my hubby wasn't home, again...hasn't showed when she said she would...she went to school with my youngest so she's one i trust...last time i had anyone in to clean on a regular basis i hate to think how much she skimmed from us so haven't had anyone in the past 4 years.......still waiting on the plumber who was supposed to have been here a couple different times to show up, etc i HATE depending on other people because they so rarely show up when they say they will...he was supposed to have been here today...nope...promised he'd be here first thing in the morning, we'll see if he shows up lol...
THEN today got a call from the surgeon's office, they are pushing my next surgery from next week til the 19th so i have ANOTHER week with this monster on my face...yes i know, they want to give it the best chance for the graft to grow vessels etc on its own before they remove the exterior blood connection so it takes properly but i really don't like going out in public like this...its embarrassing not to mention painful in the cold...
as to what would he say? well he'd prob fuss at me for trying to do too much, he'd be trying to help even if he wasn't able, an prob fussing with my hubby...i spent a HUGE amount of time keeping peace between the two alphas which in itself was highly stressful on me.
its just really hard...i find myself dozing during the day, trying to get motivated to do something besides reading or napping is at times almost impossible...i have a LOT i WANT to do...but getting motivated to do it? not happening....