Wow. I am reading through everyone's posts and it is so familiar and I feel all the frustration, anxiety, fatigue that you all are expressing. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I have not posted for a while because I reached the POINT. I was laying in bed one morning in the guest room ( I had moved out for many reasons, including that my husband often smelled, and was a very fitful sleeper) and this is what went though my head. "I can't keep this up so one of us needs to go, and I don't care which one."

When I said that in my mind I realized I was in distress. I had some help coming in to shower and change him, 4 hours a day 3 days a week. It was not nearly enough. I was still trying to be "normal" and take him out to eat, to the store...inevitably these events would be stressful at best, and a disaster at worst.

I could not afford the cost of memory care in the South Bay of CA. He is level 3 here. Needs disposable undies, help dressing and all grooming must be done for him, he needs guidance to his studio, wanders at night, and needs some assistance with meals. It was about 1/3 less expensive in AZ. We have family here, including one of our daughters and 2 grandsons. So I flew out for the day several times and with my daughter, toured Memory Care facilities. We both liked one very much. So then I looked for a place for me nearby. I actually bought a house without seeing it because it was 8 min away.

I moved my husband in 10/1/24, I stayed a week and hired a private caregiver in addition, to spend 3 mornings a week accompanying him to the activities, and to take him on walks while I was away. My husband is only 66 and still fairly fit. He can walk for miles. He doesn't speak, and he gets pretty ornery about letting people clean his bottom and wipe his runny nose, change his clothes,etc. But the staff there deals with it. Not me. Its an amazing thing and I am still getting used to it.

I went home for 5 days and packed up our lives and moved us out of our home. I have recently decided to list the house for sale, I won't be going back as long as my husband is here and I have support here. I think I will just visit California and see old friends when I can. It's lonely, taking care of him was a full time job and then some. Now I have had time to reflect and I cannot believe I had guilt about doing this. It simply was going to kill me, I had no life and no time to even think about that.

It's a process. I need to get more activities for myself, but I still see my husband daily and try to provide a sense of "wife" by bringing homemade meals to share, taking him on walks with our dog, watching football with him. Taking him out has it's challenges including the fact that he can be really uncooperative and I am 105 lbs, and he is 6/2' and 185 lbs. So I need to pick wisely or have support. It's hard because he doesn't always want to go back, I have to strategize that.

I will just say this, when I observe all the work the entire staff does to care for him I give myself a little pat on the back. That was just me. I think it will take time but I will be able to take an art class or join a book club eventually and not feel guilty. The time I have alone right now I have mostly used to finally experience the grief. I had no time for grief before. I figure that is the first step toward healing and reclaiming this next chapter of life. I hope so.

I send you all big hugs and respect for what you are up against, and what you are providing. I know not everyone is ready for the next phase, I can just tell you that I knew I had to and it was just in time. I guess you'll know it when you know it, but keep your mind open for the messages. You are truly amazing. Every one of you.