I lost my marriage when I least expected it. I never thought he would leave.. we had been together 24 yrs.. my children went abroad.. he told them I was psychiatrically ill. I just thought we did not understand each other. He left me the house and a little bit of money. He had loads. I had to fix the house that was breaking.. it was old and had major problems - no matter what I tried, there was another issue to deal with alone. Eventually whilst trying to fix a few breakages in a copper pipe in the floor, I fell in the hole and was sent to a psychiatric clinic by my youngest daughter - hoping they would help. What could they do? I was unemployed, had fallen and had to try fix the house and sell all my belongings.. the harder I tried.. the less I could see. The clinic was an utter waste of time. What did any of the specialists understand about losses of this kind, house problems, lack of employment and loneliness? NOTHING.... eventually a year later, after having bent over backwards looking for work and finding nothing. .and living alone in my little old place with more problems construction wise around me... still always alone... I reached a point of hopelessness. I ended up a the local government hospital - it was a waste.. there the doctor sent me to the same psych clinic I had wasted my time at a year previously. There the psychiatrist said she would treat me.. and gave me rispiridone - an anti-psychotic, anti-schitzophrenic drug, also used for bipolar. I was never indicated for this.. and went through the most atrocious side effect. I could not walk.. amongst other things.. shaking and lost partial vision. The doctor then left to go on study leave.. and I was left in the hands of a string of doctors who gave me a few minutes of their time. Then I was sent to a physician who did nothing but said "life was valuable." I had lost all of mine.. and had been trying but did not know what more to do. Eventually I ended up at the local hospital where they injected me with something when I felt all my muscles were going into spasm. It was horrific.. they never told me what it was...
The psychiatrist phoned and then said I should go back to the local hospital - psych ward where I sat for a few days.. eventually leaving and coming back to the little flat. Here I tried to find things to do.. and things to fix.. I started.. during that time the guy who came to help stole my camera! I was angry.. but also I started with side effects again from that drug.. and had to go back to the hospital psych ward.. there they tried to give me more rispiridone which I refused and they gave me a few other drugs - no idea what. It was traumatic.. eventually they sent me to a longterm psych place.. where I sat doing nothing for a few months.. eventually finding a lawyer to get me out.
I came back to my flat .. feeling desperate to find a way to build a future.. all alone. It was scary.. but the last thing I could think of was to open a gift shop. I found some foreigners who I hoped would support me if I supported them... and tried to find things to sell. I opened the shop - reticently... knowing it was a longshot, but I had to try. I had very little support and the foreigners, who I wanted to present workshops slowly disappeared even though I had paid them. I was feeling too stretched and so alone. Eventually I closed.. and that was two yrs ago. I was unable to sell many of the goods and although I tried online teaching again.. I could not find many students.. It hardly made a trickle of a difference financially and emotionally.
Six months ago I started to feel side effects of the drug again.. it started slowly and got increasingly worse... I tried to contact every person I could think of, knowing that because of my actions almost three years ago, I would be sent back the psych clinic.. which is not the answer. The manufacturer says there is no remedy for a drug prescribed for a problem they never had!!! So I am snookered.

My problem is - immense grief. huge loneliness, not feeling understood, drugs given at a psych clinic, doctors and counsellors saying "they understand" when they cannot understand if they have never walked it, unemployment, dwindling funds, having to do everything myself, not finding a companion, people not understand what I had to endure giving away most of my belongings and losing my children and partner (as well as friends) and losing the future I dreamed of having, plus the person I was... so sitting with purposelessness and no identity .. I felt I had no value and could not find my way.
Today I phoned the doctor who prescribed the drug.. she ducked and dived telling me for a second time she has retired, and that I need to go back to the psych ward.
AGAIN I reiterate.. how do psych drugs help you accept that you LOST your home? That is was hugely traumatic practically. That you knew nothing about building and construction problems prior to that.. that you have been left too little money to survive anything near your expected lifespan? That there are no single men for women after the age of 50.. that when you try build businesses and they fail and you cannot find work.. it is horrendous.. you are terrified.. and when you let your children go and they don't even seem to know you or fight for you.. you just feel "what was it all for? and "what is it all for"?
I wake each day with the most horrific side effects I feel today. I cannot explain them except I know it is not my mind. I do not know where to go and I have nobody to be with. Everyone is building their lives.. and I am just alone.. trying to find my way... I have nobody who understands and nobody who has walked what I do.
At 55 now.. what do I do? People know what I tried.. so steer clear.. people do not know who I was and what I was capable of.. and how much I have endured... if they did, they would find a way to come alongside me and fight for me.. even to find a remedy for the drugs (that I should have never had).. and find a partner who is willing to share my life with me.. even though I walk through hell each day.
The prayers people send .. seem empty now and each day is a matter of just trying to survive.. but I can't seem to find why.. nobody wants to be with me and nobody really needs me.. and BIGGEST OF ALL.. nobody was there, so nobody has seen what I have endured and what I go through each day. I know I was never meant to go through this.. I am in a stalemate in every area of my life. It is a lifesentence living alone.. after what I had.. and the way men treat me - the lack of options and opportunities. South AFrica is a nightmare on its own for a single middle aged unemployed woman. Each day I ask God, "What do I do" .. a million times and each day I hear nothing.