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Ready to throw in the towel
I'm 60 and was diagnosed as Gleason 7, T2B. Was given Lupron, 5 sessions of SBRT and they want me to continue Lupron for a year. I just got my second six month shot.
I honestly don't think I can make it. I worked REALLY hard to stay in shape but now my arms and legs are like toothpicks and my stomach is huge. I've forced myself on a 500 calorie a day diet (two protein shakes and a multivitamin) for the past month and it's STILL not getting rid of my belly. I stopped going to the gym because, frankly, I'm embarrassed to be seen there among my old gym buddies.
I had a fantastic sex life with a good number of f***buddies but now it takes so long to get an erection by myself that it's not even worth it.
Worse, though, is that I am SO sad with a grief I have never felt in my life before--not even when my parents died. I feel like I am underwater looking up at a hazy world. I cry or feel sad at least 4-5 hours a day.
I sleep, at most, four hours a night even though I take a double dose of Xanax (2 mg total) and two Benadryls. The drugs knock me out but I wake up at 2 or 3 AM and can't go back to sleep.
Today, I casually told a nurse I can't wait for the next six months to be over because that's the end of Lupron and she said it's going to be more like 18 months to get back to normal because Lupron takes a very long time to leave the body. Hearing that made me want to hurl myself off the roof of the medical building--I just literally froze with fear.
I'm technically "alive" but there is no quality to anything. My day consists of faking my way through work, then coming home and crying on the couch and staring into space. Sometimes my heart will start racing at 150-180 bpm for a few minutes and I pray I will just have a heart attack and die.
My friends and family have given up on me, and I honestly don't blame them. I also got tired of their "you need to be positive," "you need to have a positive outlook" bull****.
I guess what I'm asking is how the hell do so many other guys do this and still have any kind of a life. I feel like I'm 100% destroyed inside.
UPDATE: Nov. 15, 2024
To everyone responding to this post--thank you! I will say it is an older post and I have gotten help in many ways:
I joined a support group, I have a prostate cancer mentor, I am seeing a psychologist and a sexual health physician, and of course still participating in this group. One "advantage" of getting a prostate cancer diagnosis early in the year is that I was able to quickly meet my insurance deductible so don't have any out of pocket cost for these things until January so plan to take FULL advantage of any and everything available to me through my cancer center.
I have also been exercising a lot and outdoors as much as possible. I find being in nature is helpful. I also listen to a lot of sad music which is oddly cathartic and have been writing about my life which helps me to channel a lot of feelings and ideas into things that might somehow help others.
So, while the original post was negative and is true to how I felt at the time, my outlook is improving. I'm still not quite the cheerful carefree guy I was before but I'm also not crying three hours a day anymore, either. So, progress is being made and thank you to all who are responding.
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Cheers to your wife.
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2 ReactionsThis is a great post. Sex is just one way to express your love and care for your partner. However, it is not a necessary one. Faith, love, fidelity, loyalty, presence.....these are what make a truly, loving relationship.
15 years ago my wife had to have an early full hysterectomy. They took everything. It put her into immediate menopause. We both decided that she should not do hormone therapy because of the serious side effects. However, one of the most troublesome side effects of women losing their hormones is that the skin becomes non-elastic: it doesn't give. Intercourse becomes extremely painful because of that lack of elasticity. She felt like "not a whole woman" anymore. However, other sexual expressions can be quite fulfilling. Now, she feels that everything is ok, that she is a complete person and our sex life (up until the prostate stuff) was quite satisfying. You just have to be imaginative.
We have been married 48 years and we love each other more each day.
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5 ReactionsHave you thought of seeking mental health services? A good therapist can make a world of difference. Give yourself some grace. It's OK to not be ok every once in awhile but not constantly. Our brains need treatment too. Get into therapy.
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4 ReactionsIf that was addressed to @scottbeammeup , you'll be happy to know that he has made huge progress since last July when he started this thread, and his posts have been inspiring. You can see his later posts by clicking on his user name.
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6 Reactions@paddicakes, you're so right. The emotional toll of a serious diagnosis, like cancer, deserves care too. Have you been diagnosed with prostate cancer? How are you doing?
Thanks paddicakes. Yes, I've been working with a good therapist for several months now, attending a support group and finding good support here as well.
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3 Reactions@paddicakes @scottbeammeup
Scottbeammeup.
Regarding your update: I see you are doing everything to help you improve your mental and physical health. We many times move away from getting mental health help because of the stigma. But mental health is just like physical health in that time to time it needs addressing and treating.
Every six months I see a specialist at Mayo Psychiatric division. She is a counselor who specializes in medications. The first thing she says is I have reviewed all your medical visits and medical notes of your appointments and their summaries.
The very first time I met with her she told me "we work here as a team." And then, "we are your Mayo Care Team." I know I am in good hands and boy did that caring help.
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1 ReactionWhen I was in hospital for a few months, I had free access to psychotherapy (along with physiotherapy, a dietician, and other similar support services).
Unfortunately, Ontario doesn't cover those services *outside* of hospital, but I was in much better shape by the time I came home.
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2 ReactionsThe thing the therapist has helped me see the most is that setting expectations and being in the moment greatly affects how I feel about the outcome.
For example, I was until very recently anorgasmic from Orgovyx. Going into a sexual encounter knowing this made me feel sad and anxious and not wanting to even do it at all. However, approaching it from the angle of "I'm going to enjoy the physicality and emotions of this experience as it's happening and see where it leads instead of thinking about how it's going to end" has helped a lot.
Another example: pre-Orgovyx I walked my dog four miles in an hour. Post-Orgovyx that same walk took about an hour and 15 minutes. I'd been thinking "this sucks, my walk is taking me 15 minutes longer than before" and I would look at the reports from my watch showing me slowing down. Now I go into it thinking "It's nice to be outdoors and my dog is really happy jumping in all the leaf piles and it's fun watching her. I'm lucky I get to do this."
Just this simple reframing has really made a difference. TBH, I initially thought it was just "psychological mumbo-jumbo" but there really is something to it. Not saying this is ALWAYS easy to do but I do make a good faith effort and feel it's helping me.
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9 ReactionsI'm a firm believer our mind can do wonderful things for us. And as Scottie said, not always easy. I try to push myself by telling myself this is a good day. I've had the same side effects for 21 months now, it's rough but still I find myself having a good day. Sometimes we don't have to look to far to enjoy what is around us, we just have to open our eyes. Best to all.
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