1. < Just Want to Talk

Starting to self-isolate to reduce harm to other people

Posted by verusantigravitus @verusantigravitus, Nov 18 2:19pm

I've been discovering that I'm a harmful person. I seem to hurt everyone I get close to, and even sometimes those who I've just met.
My plan is to start pulling out of current meaningful relationships, and to not create any new ones. Any interactions with people will be on the surface level only, and will be well guarded to make sure that I'm not doing or saying anything that is likely to cause harm.

This isn't about me feeling sorry for myself.
It's about no longer being willing to destroy other people's happiness and well being so that I can learn to be a better person. The price for my education has become too high.
I'm so tired of hurting people.

I'm not sure where my ineptitude is coming from.
I guess I could blame my childhood (which was difficult and abusive, where proper social interaction wasn't taught, and was even discouraged).
I guess I could blame my long marriage (also difficult and abusive, with no growth to better behavior).
But it's strange that 5 decades of life and experience haven't given me the tools and knowledge I need to be a person who adds value to people's lives rather than taking it away.

No, I think that there are a few characteristics of my personality that I just need to somehow reduce to nothing; the characteristics that seem to be the source of my difficulty. Then maybe I can come back into society and be a real human being who interacts in a meaningful and beneficial and unharmful way with other human beings.

It'll be an interesting experiment. 🙂

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Just Want to Talk Support Group.

Scott R L | @scottrl | Nov 19 11:20am

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It must be a terrible feeling.

If I may, how do you know it's a one-way situation? Are you sure you aren't helping people in some important but less-obvious ways?

Do you ever volunteer, donate to charities, speak kind words, comfort someone who's hurting, plant flowers, help someone move, leave a big tip in a restaurant, vote, do a favor? Those things matter, and they add up.

And frankly, if you're not doing those kind of things -- start.

REPLY
2 replies
kforrest | @kforrest | Nov 19 11:44am
In reply to @scottrl "I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It must be a terrible feeling. If I may, how..." + (show)
@scottrl

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It must be a terrible feeling.

If I may, how do you know it's a one-way situation? Are you sure you aren't helping people in some important but less-obvious ways?

Do you ever volunteer, donate to charities, speak kind words, comfort someone who's hurting, plant flowers, help someone move, leave a big tip in a restaurant, vote, do a favor? Those things matter, and they add up.

And frankly, if you're not doing those kind of things -- start.

Jump to this post

great reply!

REPLY
rashida | @rashida | Nov 19 12:20pm

@verusantigravitus … or perhaps you are a victim of gaslighting …?

REPLY
Mentor
Helen, Volunteer Mentor | @naturegirl5 | Nov 19 12:36pm

@verusantigravitus I think I understand why you have decided to self-isolate. People self-isolate for all sorts of reasons and while it is laudable that you’ve made that decision to protect others I wonder how this will affect you. I have read cautions against self-isolation because social interaction is good for physical health (think of the brain), and mental health. If you like your alone time to work on yourself, exercise, meditate or just like the quiet, then, that is something else altogether. But to avoid relationships which run the spectrum from saying hello to someone in the gym to talking with others in a social situation to an intimate relationship - well, I hope you get my point.

I am wishing you positive energy and all the best in your efforts to protect others from the perceived aspects of your personality that affect others. That, in itself, is an insightful perception.

Do you have a psychotherapist you can discuss this with?

REPLY
1 reply
verusantigravitus | @verusantigravitus | 6 days ago
In reply to @scottrl "I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It must be a terrible feeling. If I may, how..." + (show)
@scottrl

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It must be a terrible feeling.

If I may, how do you know it's a one-way situation? Are you sure you aren't helping people in some important but less-obvious ways?

Do you ever volunteer, donate to charities, speak kind words, comfort someone who's hurting, plant flowers, help someone move, leave a big tip in a restaurant, vote, do a favor? Those things matter, and they add up.

And frankly, if you're not doing those kind of things -- start.

Jump to this post

I do many of those things, and I can still do them at the surface level.
I'm just not planning on making (or keeping) deeper relationships.
I'm sure my therapist will disagree with me.

REPLY
verusantigravitus | @verusantigravitus | 6 days ago
In reply to @naturegirl5 "@verusantigravitus I think I understand why you have decided to self-isolate. People self-isolate for all sorts..." + (show)
@naturegirl5

@verusantigravitus I think I understand why you have decided to self-isolate. People self-isolate for all sorts of reasons and while it is laudable that you’ve made that decision to protect others I wonder how this will affect you. I have read cautions against self-isolation because social interaction is good for physical health (think of the brain), and mental health. If you like your alone time to work on yourself, exercise, meditate or just like the quiet, then, that is something else altogether. But to avoid relationships which run the spectrum from saying hello to someone in the gym to talking with others in a social situation to an intimate relationship - well, I hope you get my point.

I am wishing you positive energy and all the best in your efforts to protect others from the perceived aspects of your personality that affect others. That, in itself, is an insightful perception.

Do you have a psychotherapist you can discuss this with?

Jump to this post

I appreciate your response.
I think that "saying hello to someone in the gym" will still happen, not just saying hello, but even having a short conversation. And social situations will be necessary to some extent. (Can't really avoid those.)
But the intimate relationship? Nah. I think I need to actively avoid those for now (maybe forever).

REPLY
kb2014 | @kb2014 | 3 days ago

I am very sorry you are experiencing this. The world now seems to be hateful angry etc. I wonder if you are experiencing gaslighting or others are projecting onto you? No one seems right now to have boundaries or understand we are responsible for our words even if we lack knowledge that our words can hurt..I have learned from therapy the characteristics of safe and unsafe people. Sometimes there is a benefit to isolating ourselves so we can attend just to us and heal.

REPLY
Please sign in or register to post a reply.