My heart goes out to you; dealing with bathroom issues can be incredibly frustrating. My husband is incontinent and wears diapers 24/7. He dislikes being wet, and that has been his motivation to manage the situation. When he resists the need for modifications, along this journey, it creates an opportunity to address the challenges he faces.
1. I use a laundry sanitizer for every load now for urine smells
2. Some stool accidents are too bad and I just toss them. It's an investment in me.
3. I clean the machine out at least once a week, or more as needed, with bleach on the self-clean cycle.
4. I need to be creative with getting him to cooperate with changes. Like, they make absorbent pants, panties, etc, designed for this.
5. My spouse can't wipe himself, but he doesn't want to smell, so he allows me to wipe him. Maybe make it something that your wife would value or see as important to her regarding cleaning up etc?