Hello. First and foremost, please know you are not alone! I have BPD as well and have also cycled through many many meds. I’m currently struggling with hopelessness and suicidal ideation. I am also determined to come back to a place where I feel healthier. I’ve done it before and I will do it again. I think as we get older (I’m 61) things just get harder. Maybe it’s the accumulation of a lifetime of hurting or maybe it’s bad brain chemistry. Who knows? I guess it doesn’t really matter. What matters is knowing that there are other people out there who understand your pain and suffering and want to help. We can live with this and have longer and longer periods of time when we are at peace. I just had a good 10 years and that was probably the longest period of relative stability I’ve had since I was 12. I’ll get it back. And so will you. Hold on to the people who love you and stop feeling humiliated by circumstances that are out of your control. You have a disease. There are treatments for it. Good treatments. Better treatments as time passes. I have just started Vraylar and I’m hoping that it will help. If it doesn’t, I’ll try something else. Because killing your self is the ultimate punishment to the people who love you. Deep down inside you probably don’t want to do that to your kids. I hope you find some peace, and I hope you know that even though I don’t know you, I care about you because you’re a fellow human with BPD.
Mery