I can only imagine your pain in my heart. You stated it so perfectly. I was in your position but with my mother just before she passed. If she had not, I was days away from having to life by myself with this hurt of her living separately. I promise you that it gets easier with the help of community like this forum. Get out, walk in the park if you can, and bravely let these aweful feelings come —sit with them, then chase them away and do 1 act just for yourself. It is the natural progression of things that it will ease with time and your courage. Stretch and breathe deeply and let your tears come then go. I am holding you in my arms now.