why do i want friends but dont want to spend time with them.

Thanks. I appreciate what you’re going through. I can’t share with my family either, the few that I have left; they just can’t relate. Another thing I have been doing over recent years is at a place called Lifelong Learning Institute. These are all over the nation. Should there be one nearby you it would offer card games and classes that are for the 50+ crowd. I’ve found that to be a blessing for me too. It’s always difficult for me to get into these things, even as I have attended more over the years. I try to prioritize one thing that I really WANT to do, and focus on that until I make it. I’ve also done too much and couldn't take it. It’s been sort of a pendulum swing. Over the years, I get a little better at, through prayer, but has been a long process and irregular. Hope at least 1 thing you like will come your way.

Hello, gracegrey2021 (@gracegrey2021)

As I'm late in joining this discussion, others may have already mentioned the somewhat inexplicable avoidance of friends and its presence as one of the oddest symptoms of post-sepsis syndrome, or PSS. I'd never been an eager partygoer, but I went to my share and almost always had a good time. And I may not have had dozens and dozens of friends, but I did have what I regarded as my golden dozen. I was diagnosed with sepsis this past April, and between the hospital and the rehabilitation facility, I was socially 'out of sight' until mid-May. Since then, friends have phoned, suggesting all sorts of get-togethers, including the simplest: they'll drop by my place, saying they 'only want to see me' and not to stay 'too long.' Time and again, I'll say 'Great!' only to cancel the date a day or two before it's to happen. This isn't like me––or it never was. This 'new' standoffishness has left me, frankly, puzzled and dismayed.

Best wishes,
Ray (@ray666)

Ray, I’m sure you’ve done plenty of soul searching to try to analyze your current state of mind and spirit. How do you feel after you’ve cancelled? Relieved? Content to move along with your day? Or are you saddened by the fact that you won’t be seeing people who are interested in visiting you?

Is it possible that after being somewhat isolated (similar to Covid) that you prefer your simple lifestyle/routine?

Best wishes for happiness,
Cindy

Good morning, Cindy (@cmdw2600)

That’s very perceptive. You’ve got me thinking. I think, when I’ve cancelled a suggested get-together with a friend, the immediate feeling is (I’m almost embarrassed to say) relief. But it doesn’t last long, ordinarily only minutes. I then feel regret, remorse, or to use your well-chosen word, saddened. I’ll be thinking: I’ve blown another opportunity; now I’ll have to wait for the next opportunity to come along, and when it does, I’ll not cancel, not again, never again!

There’s more I could say on this. As I said just above: You’ve got me thinking. (I love it!) But I’ve a doctor’s appointment coming up shortly and I need to get ready for that.

Thank you tenfold for your message. I wish you a good Wednesday.

Cheers!
Ray (@ray666)

Maybe the health crisis you had is still impacting your bandwidth. Just something to consider. Health crisis can take a toll.

I recall how a dental crisis I had last year really affected me. I realize it doesn’t sound like much, but it was very painful, stressful and sustained over a few weeks. (I had a filling overfilled, which caused damage to an existing crown over a root canal, resulting in wisdom tooth and molar extraction, root canal and bone graft). Had to see multiple specialists and was very expensive. My stress went out the roof. After all was done, I felt like I had PTSD. No disrespect for those who actually have PTSD. I understand that many others have life threatening conditions like sepsis, cancer, heart dysfunction, etc. and I understand my dental trauma was not in the same league….still….I understand how that trauma can leave you emotionally and mentally drained. I stayed nervous and unsettled for months. I didn’t have the bandwidth to entertain. I wonder if this might be the kind of thing that makes you forego the guests.

Hi, celia16 (@celia16)

What a lovely to put it: "I didn’t have the bandwidth to entertain." If I'm to be honest, I've never had the bandwidth to entertain! My friends (when we do get together) tease me about this. I've spent most of my working life as a stage actor, performing in front of hundreds and sometimes thousands of people. My friends think I should be at ease with bunches of people––dinner parties, group get-togethers, big social occasions of every kind. But I'm not. When I'm not working (and this goes back decades, long, long before Covid), you'd find me spending my "off-duty" hours alone or with one, maybe two (at most) friends. That's been "me" all of my life, since childhood. It was only the "enforced" isolation of my recent prolonged hospitalization that has made me hunger for friends' company––I hunger one moment, next I cancel, then I regret, wondering why on earth I canceled. Crazy, I know. 🙂

Cheers!
Ray (@ray666)

Thank you so much for your suggestion regarding Lifelong Learning Institute. Sounds interesting, I will definitely check it out. I need to start focusing on what I really want, as well. I've got to take the first step and hopefully more will follow.

I can just about take your letter and put my name on it. I'm at the point that when I cancel an engagement, I know I will regret it minutes after I hang up. When I look back at various periods in my life, I find that I was painfully shy until I met my husband. It's quite ridiculous that I have not been conscious of this behavior until now. My husband was in the military and wherever we were stationed we had people in the same position and found it very easy to socialize. We were our own society. Outside the military establishment, the only people we knew were our relatives. I stated in my first comment that I stopped going anywhere was when I retired. That is true in a sense but I went to work and came home. I don't think that could be considered going out in any shape or form. I should say that work was a place I could be in touch with other human beings with whom I could converse. It is when my husband died that "social" was gone from my life. Which to me says that I had the confidence to socialize when I was with him. He was friendly, outgoing and never met a stranger. The minute he opened a conversation with someone he did not know, they were immediately in the friend zone. My kids have told me that they think I have social anxiety. Whatever name you put on it, I need to get over it. I intend to do just that. Someone suggested the Lifelong Learning Institute, it souds like a good place to start.

I have never liked being around big groups. The older I get the more I choose who I want to spend the remainder of my days with! I think that is ok!!!! I have a big family- extended family and realize they are the important ones! A few friends are special toooo

What you say about affinity groups is so true; at least, it has been true in my life. I, too, was in the military, and how you describe military social life echoes my experience: ours were instant, largely stress-free social gatherings (I'm speaking of stateside, naturally). True, too, in my professional life in the theater, we would group ourselves socially after performances––actors, technicians, house staff––usually at the nearest pub, and enjoy glorious post-show chatter. Once again, I never found these get-togethers to be pressurized, not in the least. And such occasions––military, theater––would often involve a dozen or more people. I suspect these get-togethers brought together people with something sharply defined in common––unlike rooms full of wandering strangers, one or two would soon approach and ask, 'So what do you do for a living?' That's WHen I'd want to flee into a corner and page through an old National Geographic. 🙂