A little update:
I spoke briefly to my psychiatrist this morning (he’ll try to call later and give me more time) but he said he would try me on a new medication as I had about 5 minutes yesterday when I was hearing voices. I was thinking about going out to the barn and hanging myself and I heard “Go Go!” then a couple minutes later I heard “Mery DON’T!” Not to worry, I think about it but I would never do it because I feel like it’s the ultimate F You to everyone who loves me, especially my 95 year old mother who still calls me her baby. (I’m the youngest of 6) I apologized to my partner for my unkind behavior (calling her viscous for calling me nuts) but she basically blew me off and said she wasn’t going to be responsible for my mental health anymore. She’s still mad at me. I don’t think she was ever “responsible” for my mental health. I valued her opinion if she thought I was manic or behaving in some way that was a danger to myself or others but I never made her responsible for me. I have plenty of doctors for that.