Thank you for your kind words. I have suggested couples counseling/therapy many many times with no luck. She has an aversion to therapy as she is dealing with her own demons and has PTSD from the past and feels like bringing them up would be more harmful than good.
I told her we don't need to bring up the past (which I already know) unless in the moment she decides she's okay to... Let's just focus on US, in the here and now and what we can do to understand each other, move past the hurt and try to rebuild. I completely understand why she feels the way she does and I feel horribly about it. I have told her over and over it's not how I really feel...My symptoms ( apathy, depression etc) are to blame. I didn't and would never hurt her intentionally.
I know that she has PTSD from previous things in her life and had endured more emotional pain from it than anyone should. I wanted to be the one person in her life that didn't hurt her. That took care of her in every way possible, but due to an evil virus, ended up hurting her, although unintentionally.
I'm rambling again. I haven't been able to fully get my thoughts out, even in therapy. Sessions are never long enough and always get sidetracked and/or I forget what I was trying to say 😔