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Feeling hopeless: How do you make boundaries and keep them?
Depression & Anxiety | Last Active: 4 days ago | Replies (22)Comment receiving replies
The dynamics you describe in your family are / were similar to mine. My mother was the enabler and tried to keep the peace in the family. Also she was a codependent. My father has enough narcisstic traits to be harmful. He can be controlling and authoritative. In my family I was the scapegoat my brother the golden child. I had medical issues early in life- bladder and was stuttering by age 3. I live 1900 miles away from my father and brother. The golden child is now responsible.
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@kb2014 Thank you so much!
I will check out the site you mentioned, and it sounds especially good as the source has experienced PTSD herself. In a way I wish more/everyone would or could reveal their mental/emotional/psychological/developmental burdens such that the stigma and hidden woes could be shared and carry less weight. However, I realize that that is not realistic in our current society, as compassion is or very much seems to be at a new low.
Your family dynamics sound amazingly familiar too! My sibling, the Golden Child, has suffered in her role, yet maintained it her entire life, not seeming to question it, but paying a severe mental and physical price for what she assumed was her lot in life. Only now, finally, has she been open to discussing it when I volunteered to participate in some of her remote therapy sessions in the interest of helping her put words to her life experience with our mother.
Our mother, for whom I have such conflicted feelings, but also hold dear (kind of crazy-making dynamic) is still chugging along at almost 95. Thank goodness her mental faculties have been good up until recently. But she still has no concept of the toll her codependent relationship with my sister has taken on my sister's life so unfairly, not to mention on my life, but my father, 10+ years deceased, had a more damaging effect on my psyche for my life. But he also helped me pursue my career goals that took me across the country many times, for decades, and so on. But distance didn't - back then - quiet the tumultuous voices in my head critiquing everything I did. They're still there - mainly in my mother's voice, but I continue to strive, with many outward successes, but ultimately dragged down by this fundamental developmental burden that I can't seem to "grow out of".
If you'd care to continue: how do you find any peace? how do you thrive? can you sustain the healthier ways to find joy, peace, happiness? does it burden your (search for) meaningful, or even pleasantly supportive, relationships?
Either way: Warm wishes on this journey.