thank you...i don't really know what else to say at this point. its just very helpful to me to know i'm not alone on this journey and its ok to cry...people are often telling me things like "its been almost a month, aren't you moving on" or something similar and no i can't yet...i haven't even been able to take his razor off the sink where he laid it down that last time...people just don't understand...he was the best friend i've ever had, he was there no matter WHAT i needed, he was there...he literally offered his life for mine...you see and @charolevista might understand this because of her deep faith, but when we became friends he didn't even believe in God...that came along further in the cancer journey for the final convincing.... when he was diagnosed he was still stage one...they found it because of pancreatitis.. they had very high hopes for him...then when i was diagnosed and they offered me comfort care right off the bat and i said no we'll fight this he was cheering me on...what i didn't know was what he had prayed for...after his surgery he went in for radiation and i received a phone call from his doctor telling me his CA 19 numbers were up and while they didn't see anything on the CT scan they had just done for the radiation setup, he was sure it had spread, just didn't know where...well i didn't tell him that at the time so he had no way of knowing...then a couple days later i got a call from my doc telling me mine had dropped and the CT scan showed i was good enough for surgery so i told him and he said to me "well i guess God heard my prayer" to which my response was "What do you mean" and he told he me he had prayed and asked God to take him instead of me if he was going to take one of us because i still had people who needed me and he had no one (he had no surviving family). Well i was just like God don't work that way and he said well looks like he is going to this time...3 weeks later (i think it was) he had a mid radiation CT scan and tells me it had spread to deep in his liver where it wasn't able to even been biopsied... and he told me "well you're going to be ok, because God listened and i wouldn't have offered if i didn't mean it".. but he finished out the course of radiation and it just kept spreading but they told him they really couldn't do anything else at that point oral chemo might give him a few more months but it made him so sick he opted not to do it... All he ever asked of me was stay with him til he passed so he didn't die alone..in his words "I've died 4 times already, this time i just won't be coming back, so no i'm not afraid of dying" "(he was a soldier on front lines of many battles)
Believe me, i've struggled a LOT with this but when he was first diagnosed my only prayer for him was "God please don't take him home til he's ready to come home" and i feel like God honored that...he told several people as he neared the end he was ok and he'd see them again.. even the pastor of the church he had been attending for a couple of years where he lived before he completely gave his heart to the Lord... The pastor had came to see him on the last day with his wife and he roused a little and the pastor's wife said to him "I hear you're going home, will you wait at the river?" and the last clear sentence i heard him say was to us (we were lined up on the couch beside the bed) he looked at us and said "I'll see you again".. when he passed that night, i had started the song Go Rest High on the Mountain on my phone and laid down on the couch beside him and reached out to touch his arm to let him know i was still there.. when it got to the line "Go to heaven a shouting" he took his final breath and i feel like that was God's way of letting me know he was ok.. anyways sorry for long drawn out response...i just wanted to share just how much he meant to me... people often joked about us being married and even my husband would laugh and call him my second husband i knew so much of his medical stuff and i stayed with him so much...but he truly was the best friend a person could EVER ask for...we livestreamed his service last week and if anyone would like to watch it, send me a DM and i'll give you the link so you can...
Thank you all for listening, being here and caring...