Good Morning, @amberpep... 🙂 My name is Kim. I've been a member of Mayo Connect, I think almost 3 months. Sometimes I'm just a "reader", taking in information, experiences, and feelings of others, from the many forums here. Then, like now, I find my fingers just hit that keyboard and I send off a reply.
You may already believe this, in yourself, as you walk a difficult path... but know YOU are a survivor. A survivor of everything you've experienced.
I personally know, the toughest days seem to last an eternity, and the good days sometimes feel like they are gone, if you dare to blink.
Your charting idea is wonderful! You may very well know what the outcome will be... but don't give up hope that you may find "triggers", or "patterns" you haven't really noticed, over the years. It's such a wonderful idea, I truly hope your charting unveils something you may not yet have noticed @amberpep.
I don't have a diagnosis of Bipolar. I do have high anxiety, panic attacks, depression, OCD, and chronic pain. I could add to this list but I may need the entire forum page... I'm sure, that one day; my entire medical list will have found itself, among the many forum pages in Connect.
I am currently on Klonopin, as well. I was diagnosed with depression, many years ago, and have been to war with it, more times than I can count.
However, I was never put on any medications, or treatment for the anxiety, panic attacks, OCD I had/ and continue to be overcome by.
** (How did I start taking Klonopin... what I'm about to share, is a bit off topic, but STILL makes me laugh, after 5 years. I had somehow gotten a very bad and painful infection, in my toenail. I tried to treat it on my own but I finally had given in and made an appt to have it checked by my PCP. When I went to this appt, I was told I would be seeing a "new" Dr. as mine had "left". So, this new Dr., who was an interim Dr, was lucky enough to treat my toenail issue. When she asked what I had been doing to treat it, I ran through my list of home remedies... soaking it, using antibiotic ointment... etc. And she asked, “What have you been soaking it in?" as she continued to poke at it... I looked down at her and said, "Milk". lol 🙂 She looked so animated as she slowly moved her head, to look up at me. The look on her face was priceless! "Milk?" she asked with a grin on her lips. "Yes, milk.” She remained professional but did share a laugh with me when I told her nothing else had made the pain stop, so I could get relief, until… I tried milk. (It was just SO cold and felt SO great at the time. lol) ~Milk may do a body good, for many... but I affirm, it won’t cure an infected toenail. 🙂 ~
Because of my milk soaked toenail, I crossed paths with this new Doctor.
As an interim, Dr. she was wonderful! She did a complete exam on me, and noted that I had a diagnosis of Depression. She told me she saw many OCD, and "has high anxiety”, notes in my med chart. But no treatment plan for it. Which was true. And, it was a paralyzing demon to deal with daily. She spoke with me, in depth, and stated she also saw these characteristics, in my behavior as we spoke. She wanted to add/try me on a new med, to take with my anti-depressant. She started me on .5mg of Klonopin, to be taken 3x's a day. I now take, 1mg, 2x's a day. We followed up many times, until she too, left the clinic. )**
Klonopin is by NO means, a miracle cure or the best med for many people... but what a difference it started to make, for me, as a "helper" when dealing with my anxiety/panic attacks. I'm stubborn as can be, and have never liked medication. (I was also seeing a therapist, and she noted many positive changes in my "coping strategies" after I started on Klonopin.)
I apologize for going off topic... @amberpep what caught my interest in your post, which was so easy to read, it just flowed, was your "writing"... "musings" as you referred to them. I love the "musing" term you refer to your writing as! 🙂 I LOVE to write! It's been my catharsis, my escape, “the unloading of my head" and sometimes the only place I truly feel safe enough, to unleash my truly emotional thoughts & feelings.
Your musing’s come from your inner soul, Abby... so to me, they ARE profound! Only YOU know what your inner soul feels, experiences, loves/dislikes... etc. YOU do not sound snobby at all! I quote you; "...when I look back and read them,I'm rather amazed at the way I've expressed myself. You just never know what little treasures may be dug up while we all walk through these "troubled waters."