just want to find peace

I have ptsd. Not saying you do but you have experienced trauma. Have thought about therapy or a visit with a psychiatrist to discuss medication. My thoughts about your work environment is perhaps people are having difficulty being around other people because it seems to take a lot of effort controlling just ourselves.

Hi Knight,
I'm so sorry that you are having such a depressing time in your life! But you are on the right track asking for God's help. Don't include the anything that will listen because you will get the wrong one and he won't help at all! (Satan). However, just keep asking God for help and be adamant about it! Explain that this is an emergency and that you need real help now. Please don't consider suicide. First of all, it may not work and it hurts. You may end up disabled somehow. That would be much worse than what you are experiencing now. Also it may keep you from getting into Heaven right away when you actually do die and we all do die eventually.

It's hard when you lose someone you love. My husband died 4 months ago and the loneliness is awful. But I kept asking God to take it away and to a good extent he has. I know that my husband is up in Heaven with God and Jesus and our families and he's happy and out of pain. I am left down here but I keep praying and God has brought people into my life that are so kind and have helped me a lot. That can happen for you also. Just keep praying. Is there anyone at work that you are close to? Maybe they could visit you or go out to lunch with you.

You said your house used to be a home. Maybe you could make it a home once again. Start cleaning it thoroughly. It makes you feel so good to see it all nice and neat. At least it did for me and I'm still not done cleaning! Bake some cookies! The house will smell like a home once again. Invite a friend over for dinner or just to visit. You might even consider getting a pet.

I hope I have offered some helpful suggestions. I feel bad for you but prayer will get you through this time and make life good again! I wish you the best. I will say a prayer for you.
PML

@knight7673, you're going through some tough stuff and it's hard to deal with this stuff on your own. I hope you saw the replies from @pml and @kb2014.

I'm glad that you reached out just to talk. It can help just to talk, even on a forum like this one. Sometimes talking to a real person, in real time is needed too. I'm sure you know this, but you can always reach someone at the 988 lifeline https://988lifeline.org/. Call or text 988.

How are you feeling right now?

2 months ago I fell on my left hip. I am a 70 year old man. There was minor pain of my left hip. I was in rehab in a nursing home gym. I came out of the bathroom at 4:00 in the morning. No lights and very dark.
Nurse picked me up and rolled me back to bed thinking I had just rolled out of bed. No, I fell off my walker really hard.
Again I was put back in bed without having been sent to an emergency room.
A month later the back pain on my back slowly got very painful. I was n no longer in rehab and living at my Alf.
Another painful month went by and I should have gone to a neurologist .
I was now using a permanent walker.
Besides my lower back pain getting worse I was not walking normally.
The emergency room doctor said that I fractured my lower spine. Was in rehab because I spent a two week stay in my hospital bed not able to get up with a half dozen bags hanging over me through an IV.
It was mostly antibiotic as I had sepsis and pneumonia.

It’s been over two months now and I have to go to a neurologist as I had a permanent headache in the back of my neck and couldn’t turn it much.
Now my right foot started not being able to tap it.. it has now been paralyzed.
Between the right foot. I could no longer move the foot back and forth. I became flat footed couldn’t move my my toes and right side. I was becoming half paralyzed. I haven’t seen a neurologist yet but I felt sharp pains in my lower back and a foot that didn’t work properly and a permanent headache in the back of my neck.
I couldn’t move around tethered to my bed.
Maybe I’m in the wrong room for this issue but I became depressed lying in bed all day in pain my depression was so bad that I wanted to stop living but not really.
I didn’t want to die even though I was incapable of walking around normally.

Finally I have an appointment with a neurologist next week.
I’m simply really depressed . I wanted to end it all but a psychiatrist came to my house depression meds with a psychologist for “talk therapy " I wanted to call 988. I’m still the same but looking forward to a neurologist.

Dear Knight, No no no! Please don’t. God created you-let Him take you back when it is time. I’m praying for you this minute. I mean it. There are many reasons to live. God does have a purpose for your life. Find a Bible-see what He tells you through it. Talk to Him-what do you have to lose? Start here: Psalm 34: v 4-7, v 15-22;
Psalm 40: v 1-3.
“ I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.”
Many of us really care about you! Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Nancy

I get the wanting to go to sleep and not wake up only too well. I injured myself in June of this year and for 4 months the pain was so bad that it caused severe depression. I could not catch a break with any medical professional who could /would actually help me. It has been a living nightmare. No matter what the cause is of us not enjoying life , it’s very real to us who are going through it. You reaching out shows that you value that and want to find a way to feel better about this life once again. I know how you feel, I’ve felt it myself. I didn’t think that it would get better but things have improved. I reached out on this very site and managed to just take things one day at a time just by talking to strangers and listening to them too. This is a safe place to reach out. Very glad that you did. Just keep doing that while you take steps to make your life better because it will get better.

You have just described the last 15 years of my life. I am so sorry you are suffering so.

I cannot be there with you but know that you are in my heart, I am holding your hand.

In January of this year, I could no longer wait for my God to take me and I hung myself by a belt from the bathroom door three days in a row, hoping I would pass out and die peacefully.

That I could at least be spared the suffering of death, but it didn’t work.

And I was left with only a scar and in greater despair.
I made arrangements to get a gun when the moment came, I didn’t buy it.

I won’t say the next few months were, easy frankly they were hell on par with anything I ever felt before but after a while, I emerged to a new life.

Not a life that’s easy but a life that’s rich and full.

I feel a depth of love and gratitude, empathy, I could not have imagined.

The Joy I sometimes feel seems now to mirror the depth of suffering I experience.

I will never tell anyone when they have suffered enough.

I’ve looked into the darkness enough times to know that I would sacrifice the whole human race to end my suffering

The only thing I found that works for me at this point is love for the other.

Other directed love seems to give some purpose to my suffering.

I don’t have any other answers I barely have any for myself, but I do know that something that I’ll call God doesn’t seem to want me to go yet.

I hope you find peace soon and that you’re suffering lessons enough…we are all in this together…whether anyone admits it or not…

David

Love heals all! You need somebody to love..to not come back to an empty house..someone to take you out for a walk..someone who you can call "my darling" to smile to to play to..
I've lived with depression, I just know we all need another being to let love grow between us. I started with a fish, then a litle parrot, I started to sing with him..to talk to him. .to love him..the time helped healing. A cat or a dog always good suport even help talking to people..getting sun and air... God will help you! Good days are coming!