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What a revelation it was reading all of this. My biggest takeaway is that no matter how bad you think things are there is someone who has it worse. I do not have an illness. I had a therapist and we clicked. But I am reluctant to get in touch with her now because her aging father has been placed in hospice and for all I know he may have passed away. I do not want to intrude. My initial problem was the loss of my husband after 62 years. He has been gone now for 3 years, but it is still very hard. Then I was thrown under the bus by my youngest son. Was not allowed to attend my granddaughter's wedding because I was "not welcome." Last month I turned 90. First time I am having trouble with my age because it has hit me like a ton of bricks that I probably only have a few years left. Having said that please know that I am living on my own quite nicely. I don't think I have anything wrong with me. I can drive. But now starting to think that there is really nothing to live for. Have never been a social person so have only one-two friends. Most of the time I am alone and lonely. I really want to talk to my therapist about it but as I said I do not know if this is a good time to contact her. I feel I am in quicksand and it is drawing me down and down.
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in reply to @thisismarilynb Thanks so much. I have learned that life is imperfect, and I have overcome many obstacles that might have put some under a bus. However, some days just being alive enough, at least for me. I am not suggesting that "it's easy," but in my case, developing a strong sense of self as well as a sense of character, has been the key to help me keep putting one foot in front of the other. As a side bar. that complaint I filed with the "Board" was not done without careful consideration and perhaps prayer, and if there is one take away from a complicated relationship I had with my now dead mother it was, "stand up for yourself and what you believe in, as you only get one chance...."
You can get out of the quicksand, just as a I did. It may take some hard work/time, but I know you can do it. Having an incurable disease has indeed been life changing, and I have seen many others like me fall into a pit, but I have managed to embrace this disease and use it as a way to help others in any possible way that I can. Find a support group, a church, call a soft line like NAMI. They have a very good one in the evenings, and the number is 877-910-9276. They are located in Orange County CA and this particular line is one I have called many times, especially in the recent past. They are in operation 24 hours overnight. Pacific Standard Time. These are peer support people who are very helpful and will listen to you. You can even call every day if you have to. Take care and thank you for the comment.