Yes, so much is out of our control with adult children who sorely need help - the right kind of help.
That is what's so frustrating for me. I am a former psychiatric nurse and I can clearly see my son is not getting the RIGHT kind of help. I believe he is not completely honest with his current psychiatrist and, therefore, has not received the correct mental health diagnosis nor the right medication(s) to help him. Perhaps he is staying with this MD because he can manipulate him into thinking he is "getting better and fine"??
There has absolutely been no improvement in him, in the 2 1/2 years he is with this particular mental health outpatient clinic. His former therapist (his age) I now believe encouraged my son to disconnect from his parents and his psychiatrist is only 36 years old with 8 years experience (my son is 40 next month). In fact, he has gotten progressively worse, more and more isolated...I would now say completely isolated from the world, and his paranoia towards everyone (including me and his father) has worsen. My ex husband and I can not recognize him anymore. That former therapist was promoted and left his position. A new therapist was assigned to my son - but he didn't like him so he sees no one now.
As parents we remain "there for him, in anyway, love him unconditionally" but he doesn't reach out to us for help. The only thing he continues to do that's "normal" is work (from home)...as he must. He has lots of expenses...in an expensive city & must pay a mortgage.
My current therapist simply tells me "this is your son's life journey now, there is nothing you can do". And my journey is "to learn acceptance." I get that... But I know his mental health treatment is all wrong, it's obvious it's not effective. His mental health issues have not improved one iota. That's proof enough for me.
But my hands are tied because of HIPPA laws - I can not speak to his psychiatrist without my son's permission and he will never allow that...so this particular clinic tells me. However, when I worked in NY as a therapist I had family members call me all the time. I simply listened but did not divulge any of my client's treatment plan to them. My clinic allowed this - perhaps b/c we were a state mental health facility treating the sickest of the sick. This clinic is private and can make up their own rules(??)
Nothing will change until he changes his mental health team. And he has no intention of doing that.
So what is a mother - who has 25 years working in mental health - do for her only child. A "child" who was living a fantastic life, fully engaged in life, work, traveling the world and with many friends from all over the world? A "child" who loved life, who loved to laugh and was the best son in the world to his mother?
I called the clinic and spoke to the office manager - her only questions to me were: Is he a danger to himself or others? I could not say "yes"...if I did she told me the clinic would not intervene but simply call the police to take him to an ER for a psychiatric evaluation. And my son would know it was me who did this to him. And never forgive me in his present state of mind. What if my son commits suicide? Would I be able to say to myself "I did everything humanly possible to save him? NO. And how would I live knowing that?
He told me once he had a dream he jumped off his balcony (14 floors)...and said "How can I go on living the next 40 years without Pam in my life?" (His best friend of 30 years who died suddenly last year) His other trigger was the loss of a job he absolutely loved. He was gaslighted by his boss - not for a poor job but for excelling in it. His new boss wanted the "glory" for himself and he was transferred to a job he never wanted...still working for the same company. No motivation to seek another position. This is a guy with a MBA obtained from the best international business school in the world - he was in school in France and Singapore. Speaks 3 languages. He is beyond accomplished, a leader in every way. My heart is shattered this happened to him. And he is not getting better and I can not help him. Something has to be done. An intervention of some sort has to happen.
This can not continue because his treatment is all wrong.
Do I wait until he is completely out of his mind? Then I step in?