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I feel like start running and not look back!
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: 2 days ago | Replies (124)Comment receiving replies
Hi,
It’s worse now. The neurologist said he should not be driving, when Richard did not seem to agree with that the doctor said then he would sent a request to the DMV for him to take a Skills Reassessment test and see if they consider still him safe to drive. He passed the written part but failed the road test after 3 attempts. It’s strange though that after the last attempt yesterday they didn’t cancel his license or took it from him, instead they just told him he’d get a letter in the mail, I guess it’d be the formal notice.
Anyway, I know it must be very hard to accept to be dependent on someone else for getting to places where before he would drive himself to the Home Depot at 6am or to Walmart after dinner and stay there until they close at 10pm. He knows I won’t be doing it that way for him, I suggested he plans where and when he wants to go in the week and tell me so I’d try to arrange my schedule to drop him and pick him up. That’s not good enough, he talks about getting on a bike to go places, where we live one has to take a freeway road to get anywhere, can you see an 83 yr old doing that? His bladder control is non existent now, if he forgets to put on the diaper type underwear when we go somewhere is so embarrassing to see the wet spot on his pants. I’m 68, I have tried all my life to keep myself in good shape with exercise and a healthy diet and now I’m supposed to sacrifice what are possibly the last few years I feel healthy enough to do the things I’d like to do, like travel, being his driver and caregiver!!!
Today he even mentioned we could move to a different state so he could still drive!! Total denial about his mental condition!! As long as he has a sliver of lucidity left I know he’ll never accept to move into assisted living and let me have a life.
Replies to "Hi, It’s worse now. The neurologist said he should not be driving, when Richard did not..."
As Celia ( @celia16 ) suggests, take him to a family law attorney and have them explain that he (and you) could lose everything if he continues to drive against medical advice.
And lock up those keys (or remove the batteries from his.) We had to do this with my Mom - she was mad at me about it up until a few weeks before she died. In her case it wasn't dementia, it was brain deficits from strokes. We had a professional driving eval that she failed, disabled her car and eventually convinced her to sell it to a relative "who really needed it." But it was my fault because I scheduled and took her to the eval...this happens when reasoning skills diminish.
The second issue , "As long as he has a sliver of lucidity left I know he’ll never accept to move into assisted living and let me have a life" When the time comes and he has a fall, a UTI a "spell" or whatever, have him transported to the ER by ambulance. Once there, enlist the doctor & social worker to move him to appropriate care. It's tough love, but it is sometimes the only way.
It’s so hard…. I think the same, we have no family only me and lately I am thinking of the few years I may have left and this is not how I planned on using it. I hate myself for being or thinking like this but what is the alternative, my husband gave me 43 years of perfect bliss is it fair when times get rough to walk away, I have to remember this and what it might be like if it was reversed? Sometimes I think I have dementia when I am so overwhelmed I cannot think. I just plod along, we just go everywhere together although I recently started having a massage and I have a treadmill, in the garage which helps I open the door and look out. No one ever blames someone for whichever path they choose and no one has the right to criticize. 😍
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I’m so sorry. That’s tough. I would keep in mind that just because the doctor said don’t drive, he may ignore or forget that. And, even if DMV suspends his license, he might not accept it and drive anyway. He might promise otherwise and still drive. So, I’d take elaborate measures to ensure he doesn’t have access. Because, if not licensed, your insurance may not cover damages if he wrecks.
It’s all so much to process. I hope you can get options from an elder/family law attorney.