I too struggle with suicidal thoughts...and I hate the condition my body is in now.. no one around here seems to understand the frustration of going from a healthy person to ..not..I also live out in the country..and (we don't even have but on good ambulance here.. I called for one and they came and couldn't even administer Zofran..had a "barf bag".. I said can I administer myself one..anyway..Gods hears you ..He does..and it's ok to be frustrated.. and yell.. He's a god God and He understands..I hope this helps you to find peace..peace is so hard to come by when you hate your own body..prayers for you