Hi @lisalucier

Happy to share.

Made a suicide attempt years ago. Self-medicated with alcohol for about 15 yrs (that stopped 25+ yrs ago). Took all the meds they prescribed over the years. None helped. I eventually became convinced that nothing would ever help. For the decade preceding the trial, I was an overweight, heavy-smoking recluse with daily suicidal ideation. I left my house only to buy cigarettes and see my counselor. In 2013, things got worse when my husband passed away. I had to move and I have no close friends.

During the trial, I quit smoking cold turkey and lost 30lbs. Most importantly, I went out almost every single day, mostly with my sister. At first it was stressful but my anxiety level dropped quickly. Went to movies, restaurants, museums, plays, stores ... the depression nearly evaporated. I stopped being afraid of and overwhelmed by everything. I stopped thinking about suicide. I was able to enjoy things. I had a life. I was no longer ruled by screwed up brain chemistry and I never felt medicated. When I was dosed, I experienced slight dizziness, sneezing, post-nasal drip and tinnitus, all of which subsided within minutes. There were no other side effects. Esketamine did not make me high and I felt no disassociation. (not true for others) The dose was perfect for me. I lucked out in a big way.

Post-trial, the depression returned immediately and was full blown within a few weeks. I started smoking again, gained the weight back and rarely leave my house. I am typing this from my bed, where I spend 99% of my time. I don't answer my phone most of the time, my room is always dark, my eating habits are terrible and I'm in poor physical shape due to being sedentary. My suicide plan is in place but for 2.5 years I've been clinging desperately to the hope that some day I'll have access to esketamine again. That day is now a lot closer.

Thanks to the esketamine trial, I know that there actually IS hope for me, which helps keep the suicidal thoughts just that ... thoughts only. One day at a time.

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