@denisestlouie I woke up thinking about you today. I was thinking about the action steps you have put into place. This is a life-altering diagnosis and so I'd like to share that it makes sense to me that your thoughts are filled with what is ahead. Hope is not simply optimism. Hope is because of the action you are taking. It's true you cannot change reality but you can change how you wish to respond. And you are doing just that.

Your remind me of myself. My cognitive style is analytical. I tend to get lost in the details - seeing the trees instead of the forest if you get my meaning. Like you I read the research literature about my diagnosis (endometrioid adenocarcinoma, initially Stage 1a, with a recurrence two years later), treatment options, and survival statistics. After all, I thought, I conducted my own research as a postdoctoral fellow and university professor (now retired) so I know how to do this. Except that when it is this personal, it was too easy to get lost in details that may or may not have applied to me. My radiation oncologist and gyn-oncologist both told me that by the time the research I was reading is published it is about 5 years behind the developments in the field. Think development of new medications. Clinical trials. Those are all in development. That's when I realized that what my doctors told me made sense. After all, when I did my own research it was at least 3 or 4 years until my results were published. Of course I stayed on top of my field by reading, networking, and talking with others about their work that had not yet been published. This is when I realized I have to let my doctors do their work. I wanted certainty. I wanted statistics. But I found ambiguity and more questions. I can research my doctors' recommendations but this wasn't and isn't my field. I found medical providers I could partner with and still do. I came to my appointments with my list of questions and they took their time answering them. They still do that as I'm now in surveillance where I return for appointments every 6 months.

I would like to offer this advice. Please tell yourself that your thoughts and emotions at this time in your life are very normal given the circumstances. You don't have to like it. It is just is. This is not the life you imagined you would have at this time in your life. I didn't either. My cognitive style - and from what I can tell, so is your cognitive style - is to move. You don't sit still. You are taking good care of yourself through your social connections. Your close friends do not tire of listening to you and very likely have their own private worries about you. I have a few good friends that I've known for many years who I place in that category.

I'll look for your post after you've seen your new consult on the 18th. Another action step you are taking. In the meantime, please keep posting here and allow us to continue to support you. Because we will do just that.