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@dorisena

Fine, debbraw. Let your sister pay for maid service. I doubt that your sister will actually die for him, but she can make a fool out of herself before she reaches a reasonable limit. I really understand the situation, as my sister-in-law enabled her brother who lived in a car with a dog and had her get his prescriptions for him. She finally got him some kind of assisted living until he died, but she kept his dog at her house for him. She already had a dog, in the house, of course. When your brother changed the locks, you were under no moral obligation to continue to be involved much. I reported a couple of relatives to the county health department because I knew they had programs to get involved and improve the lot of the people with dementia. One nurse went to court and got my aunt put in a nursing home because she was in bad shape and recognized no one. The nephew got access to the CD's and their savings disappeared, as well as a basement full of valuable antiques. That upset my sister, but I just laughed and was grateful the county took care of the couple.
Most of the time there is not family agreement to helping with care, so we do what we think is the right thing, including for us. My daughter, who manages my money and pays my bills, refused to allow me to contribute to my sister's benefit because my sister would have used it for her grandson who kept her in poverty most of the time. We must make decisions and not feel guilty. Dorisena

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Replies to "Fine, debbraw. Let your sister pay for maid service. I doubt that your sister will actually..."

My late husband's grandmother lived in filth and poor eating habits and neither my mother or I could get him to put her in a facility because he knew he was getting everything she had left. and has already received title to her property. My sister died in squalor too terrible to repeat here, but I never saw it and knew I couldn't get involved, so I stayed out of it. For that my sister-in-law and her daughter criticized me repeatedly for not "helping" the situation and I knew that couldn't happen. She was diagnosed with Schizophrenia and had a number of chronic illnesses. There were mice in the refrigerator, I was told. Her husband was her caregiver and the county got involved because the mice came through the ceiling, which needed to be ripped out and repaired. The daughters live out of state. They are alcoholics and the entire family has OCD problems of some kind. I do not know how the surviving husband lives. I am living with sadness but not guilt. Dorisena

Thank you, Dorisena,. for your words of wisdom. As most people in these situations know, they give rise to a lot of guilt.