prcrowe, I know you wrote this back in January, but wanted you to know, if you're still reading comments, that I could have written this *word *for* *word*. I turned 75 in May and basically feel exactly as you do. I am in a couple of online women's groups and enjoy reading how fulfilled and joyful many of these ladies are at our ages and even older! Some are religious, so that makes things easier for them, but some are like you and me, to use a scholarly phrase, only "kinda spiritual" and many are simply non-believers.

I used to see life as outdoor ascending steps, grass on both side. Now that image is gone, for several years now, replaced with a void. It used to be very comforting to assume I had many years ahead and when I felt scared about death, I relied on that hope. Which is what is missing from my life now. Hope.

I wanted to die working, head on keyboard if necessary, but that unfortunately, did not happen. Work saved my life in so many ways, as did working out. Both purposeful escapes from realities of life I didn't want to deal with. Therapy was helpful here and there, but not now that I'm obsessing about the reality of death and the "x" amt of years left. I find it tedious now.

You noted mindfulness/living one day at a time. Never worked for me either. I try, Universe knows I try. I'm immersed in classes I love and still work out as much as I can. And that does help, just the busy-ness of it. I try to do things that at least distract, if not absorb a lifelong anxious mind and it's not easy. I do mourn my youth and so wish I could do it over again as myself but *with* several changes to my outlook on self and life.

I wonder, have things gotten better for you since Jan? I wish I had more to offer you.

When I was about 45 or so, I experienced that sudden and jolting fear about the end of life. Being obsessive, of course, I couldn't let it go. I actually wrote Elisabeth Kubler-Ross a letter, never expecting a response. I was astonished to receive a letter from her in record time. Among other things, she told me that when the time came, I'd be ready. And in the meantime, just to go about living. Nothing that inspired an epiphany, but I did and do still take some comfort in the possibility that when the time comes, I will be ready. TBH, I am not opposed to a quiet death in my sleep, as I can see and feel life outside me marching by, leaving me in its wake. I know not one person who would be affected by my death. My husband would be totally fine, as would my grown daughter. And my small family would hardly feel my loss as I don't see or communicate with them much and haven't for a very long time. We are very different.

Please know you have a sister and certainly, MANY sisters out here and everywhere feeling as you do.
Much love and hoping you have found fulfilling ways to live in the moment since Jan.