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Introductions: Are you caring for someone with dementia?
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: Aug 16 2:33pm | Replies (762)Comment receiving replies
Hi @joey333 I hear you here! I don't believe I ever had a day where my thoughts or things were in order from that first day my wife's neurosurgeon looked at me and said "so...you're her caregiver here?" Scared the hoohaa out of me for sure and I don't think I ever did respond to him from the fog I entered. Caregiving is a time when for the first time in my life I came to accept 'good enough' rather than seeking the perfection I always strived for, especially in my professional life.
If you haven't seen it you might find this piece I wrote of interest:
https://socialmedia.mayoclinic.org/2018/06/01/the-choice-and-challenge-of-being-good-enough-a-caregiving-story-experts-by-experience/
I tried to point out how I came to embrace 'good enough' for almost a decade and a half. Plus now that my stroke took the sight and hearing from my right side I have to embrace it again. Especially when it comes to certain things requiring more depth perception than I can muster such as cleaing mirrors (weird, eh?), nighttime driving, and threading a bleeping needle.
While it may sound defeatest, as a caregiver my plan was always to plan for a worst case scenario and then be pleased if it was something less. I also came to understand that caregivers are often not fully understood by even those closest to us. As a result I always just said to myself 'the care of my wife comes first', and while a few understood, there were times many did not, which sometimes even included our adult children (38 and 41).
The second half of my work career I spent as a major gift fundraiser for an international child/family development nonprofit. I grew thick skin at being told 'no' so many times, but that hardly prepared me for many of the comments I received as a caregiver. Seems it is one of those jobs loads of folks who aren't caregivers seem to believe they know all about and feel free to give their two bits! I was often accused of 'seeking attention' when I would simply respond honestly to the question "how you doing?". Again, I began to prepare for the negative comments and was pleased if I didn't get one 🙂
Personally I believe caregiving is a form of love. At times it is grinding, consuming, and doubt-filling, but never doubting one's love.. It can morph into something undoable for any human, but not undo the love. It can deplete one's physical and emotional energy, but never drive one's love to empty. It is a journey unlike others.
Sorry I carried on a bit too much!
Strength, courage, and peace!
Replies to "Hi @joey333 I hear you here! I don't believe I ever had a day where my..."
I do not know how you do it Scott, but you have hit the nail on the head again with this answer to Joey. Settling for "good enough" frees up so many things. Who are we trying to please anyway, and as my dear mother used to say," give it a lick and promise". We need to give ourselves permission to not be "so perfect". We have more time for happiness and fun things, plus we are more fun to be around for the others in our lives. I love everything you said, including the last paragraph.
To catch you up on my personal problem with lumbar back pain. I will be getting a follow up MRI on the 14th and from that, my pain manager will try to determine what is making the pain so much worse. Maybe a ruptured disc? And then what coarse of action to take. The lumbar injections did not touch it. Always with hope...... and,@IndianaScott, yes, strength, courage and peace.
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I look forward to reading your article, Scott - thank you for the link! : ) I am afraid I do care too much about what others think, especially the kiddos (big and little alike). Your example of patient endurance and perseverance are admirable and a very good example. Oh, that ugly perfectionism, it rears its ugly head within me way too often! I can see from your writing alone how much benefit this particular caregiving will benefit the growth of my own soul. I was just videochatting with my daughter-in-law and the babies! It was good to be able to talk things over with her - she does listen and has some medical background as well. I must scoot as I need to pick up one of the teens.