I still haven't mentally recovered from this all. Cancer is always in the back of my head and I can't plan anything long term. Come next winter I want to go snowboarding but even that feels so far away. Even when rationally thinking the lung nodule was pretty slowly growing (from 2mm to 6mm in 21 months). These days highlight of my day is the hike with my dog or running. Maybe its because its some sort of measure that at least I am still in good physical condition.

My wife is abroad at the moment but we will soon be together again. I wish I had heard about this nodule 3 months earlier so I could've dealt with it before the honeymoon. Now it was cut short. I want to have another, proper honeymoon without death looming over it.

Everyone who I talk to (doctors, my brother, parents..) are saying that we all die some day. It is annoying. Most people don't die when they're 30 or 40. Some do, and for most of those who do, death comes unannounced, by surprise. Certainly nobody my age is thinking of dying. My most preferred death is the kind which I don't see coming. I want to die standing, not lying in bed hooked to tubes and being in pain for weeks or months surrounded by more people who are also dying.

I am terrified of next scan. And while all doctors say not to worry about the CEA, I still do. Not as much as I used to but I still do. It is an indication of something, if not cancer, and I'd like to know what. Theres so many things I didn't ask from my doctor in the phonecall because I forgot.

Might have PTSD from this all but I must go through the scans because I would regret not doing so.

Me and my wife haven't really had the time to do things together. She said that my nodule was so small and that I'm overreacting. But at the same time she understands that I'm in this panic mode and can't enjoy things. Its lonely at home without her, I can't sleep alone anymore. I had to move to my parents house just to get proper sleep.